Bullying at school!

It's gotta stop. The bullying. The 2nd volunteer at the library told me wgat happened last Thursday. I asked her to write everything down. My dependent was bullied then written up. Why? D had had enough and tossed books. 

I can't write anire without my nerves gettifrayed  again. 

Wow what a weekend

Last night I woke up in a day mare. Relation came and soothed me and recommended I take the Xanax. I didn't at that time. This morning when I realized my body hadn't fully recuperated I took the .5 Xanax. Last night I finished those donuts. Could it have brought in my anxiety? It was certainly a factor. But my dependent's situation is the stressor. 

I'm still worried about Monday. I filled out the consent form for the guidance intern to see my dependent. But we parents think it's time to change the environment anyway. Still want to do all for D, but we want a fresh start. That class has a negative vibe for D. The children are in D's face. They tattletale on D. Five raced up to me to tell me something D did that was silly. D didn't kill anyone. D didn't punch anyone in the face. D played with the wood-chips. D didn't bother anyone. WHO CARES!  D didn't hurt anyone. I don't want to hear it. 

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D and I went to church D had Sunday school, then we went to mass. R picked us up as we went to the mall. Shower's done. Now it's time for D to write an apology to the teacher. In the letter what behaviors need to be followed through on. I'm stressed out. It's time to switch classes. 

D wrote the letter to the teacher with help. I put it in an envelope for privacy sake. We have talked to D all weekend about proper behavior. We want D to avoid saying things that will have child services coming to our house and remove D. D says things and doesn't realize how horrible they sound. 

Angels and Ministers of Grace pray for us. Blessed Virgin Mary pray for us. St. Kateri pray for us. 

Jesus in your name we pray. Heal us all. Amen. 

Chocolate fix?

I know the cart screams menstruating woman on chocolate fix but only one chocolate item is mine! I got the donuts. Dependent got the cereal and relation got the cupcakes. 

Good day today...bad day

Had a good day today. My one-on-one dealt with helping my dependent learn coping skills for life. G. and I used the white board to track D's train of thought. I felt better after that. G said it would be ok if it was ok with me to be included in the SST for D. I am thankful for that. 

Coping skills now or pain later. Coping. Skills. Now.

So far no Xanax today. It's been 8 days since my last dosage. 

D's teacher stated D had a bad today. Lets see... How did it start? 

• baby stepped to class via another route

• wrote I LOVE on facial tissue

• lost her pencil box privilege cuz she played with..., and tossed it. 

• said, "why don't you kill me" to the teacher 

• she threw a paper ball at someone---D then spoke up sayiny, "Isr. threw it at me"

While the teacher was trying to talk to me quietly in the classroom other students tried to come in. Teacher firmly told them to leave the room. This was not a conversation for them. 

MY DEPENDENT IS HEADING FOR S. E. D.! That's a place D would never survive! 

I've worked with S. E. D. It's not nice. It's not pretty. It's dangerous. D gas negative thought. True. Dangerous? Not yet. Lets keep it that way. 

Keeping busy

I've been volunteering all week at the school library. I couldn't go in today because I'm sick. I have frequent, sometimes bloody, diarrhea. My abdomen feels full. Every time it feels full I have to go to the bathroom. When I do that I have to do #2. Depending on the size it's either bloody or not. Last night at target it was bloody. There was a pool of blood in the toilet. When I got home there was some blood in my underwear. I'm trying to figure out what's going in in my body. Bladder infection? Kidney or intestinal problems? Hemorrhoid? Early sporadic cycle? If it were my cycle it would be a week early it's not due until next Thursday. 

I checked the calendar again. My period was due in two days. Why the mix up? Cuz in my digital calendar I put p1 and then repeated it for 7 days. When I counted back the weeks I ran into 9/26 before 9/21. Therefore, my cycle is on time. It started two days earlier than last month. Consider that last month it started two days later!  Harrumph. I've been given two Rx and a promise from relation never to try that again. 

Teacher today was a substitute. The sub did not stay long at all! Dependent did not copy down homework assignment. Last nights homework had not been turned in. D wants to know if I'm angry. Relation is playing the blame game. Gonna start calling R Obama. 

Btw, Obama always passes the buck. "It's not my fault it's yours." Obama, "it's not my fault, it's theirs."  President Obama is very good that way too. THE BUCK STOPS HERE.--President Harry S. Truman, 33rd  President of the United States of America, Democrat. 

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY PEOPLE! Private, Public, husband and wives. TAKE. RESPONSIBILITY. 

Phone ring at lunch sets off my nerves

It's lunch time. The landline keeps ringing. It's not for be but it sets my nerves off. Why? I keep thinking its the school calling us to pick up our dependent. Today I volunteered in the library. I did not pass by the class to see the teacher at recess. I did not look for my dependent in the yard. I did, however, leave a note for the guidance counselor and the principal. The one for the principal ends with SINCERELY, (my name), ADVOCATE FOR (my dependent). I requested and appraised the principal of what is going on. 

This situation almost caused me to take .5 Xanax but I was eventually able to overcome it. 

My relation and I take our dependent to the library now to do homework. It helps D focus. I appreciate being out of the house. The 1.0 generation doesn't get their knickers in a bunch cuz 3.0 has homework. 

Gggrrrrr and fuck you too

Gggrrrr

My dependent got in trouble at school. Teacher threatened with half day! Very unhappy! 

• Raised shirt and flashed child of opposite gender in class- teacher stated

• Played with glasses on bridge of nose for five minutes-- teacher stated

• Played with own hair on own face and desk partner's. desk partner was moved. - teacher stated

• Teacher appreciates my not popping in to class. It's a distraction. - teacher stated. 

• Teacher miscued final conversation with me. Teacher turned back to me and went to have parent teacher conference with another parent. Did not say good-bye. - parent observed. 

The day started with a call from a cousin to tell me cousin's parent had a heart attack! And so starts the day wrong because relation can't censor own lips in front of our dependent!!!! "Oh our dependent is fine. Now about your extended relatives heart attack and hospitalization...."  

OMG shut the fuck up! ¡Come mierda! ¡Sinvergüenza cabrón! 

Going Home To Nicodemus

I am really enjoying the book, Going Home to Nicodemus, by Daniel Chu. The promoters really DID STRETCH THE TRUTH BOTH TIMES they promoted the town. The minister's wife cried when she saw the town. The railroad companies didn't want to invest in Nicodemus. They would get as far as a certain town and then stop. Then they'd decide to go a different route. Bogue township started as a camp for railroad laborers and developed into a rival town! ...

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I continue this topic on my Laura Ingalls Wilder blog. 

Volunteerism

I volunteered again today. The computer broke down. We had to check in and check out books the old fashioned way! By hand. Both administrators were in the library with our school librarian. The principal states the library could not be closed down. It had to be opened and allow children to take books home today for the weekend. The school had an obligation to meet. The computer needed an upgrade in software and hardware. Mr. IT came ad fixed the problem. While the librarian worked out the problems with the computer, I aided as a volunteer, in checking in and checking out books. When first grade sent their WHOLE BOX OF BOOKS with no library card! Sheesh... They had to be returned to the teacher to hold on. By the end if my time there today Mr. IT and the librarian had the computer worked out. YES!!!

What did I do? 

• I helped organize and tidy up the shelves. 

• I checked in books manually 

• I checked out books manually 

• I organized go back books by grade level or the Dewey decimal system. 

• I kept the students focused, and in order while they waited their turn. 

• I engaged the students in small talk while doing the clerical work. 

Volunteer at school

Today I walked my dependent to school. I talked to the parent volunteer who saw the incident on Monday. I asked her to tell the teacher what she saw. 

Today walking to school I saw a boy harassing my dependent from afar. And I was right there next to my dependent! I told the teacher and the case manager. 

I'm a parent on a mission. There's a fire lit under me. 

I stayed and volunteered at the school library. I saw the teacher at recess to see how things went. Then I went home. 

Later today I had to take .5 Xanax because I was over stimulated. It was causing me some tightness in my left breast muscle (pecs), a feeling if rush and flush. I had napped to see if it would calm down. I had been nine days since my last dosage. 

New project

I'm enjoying my research on the travels of Laura Ingalls Wilder. I'm enjoying seeing how towns changed over time. From trails to roads to highways. 

Ghost Towns

Marysville, NE (Seward County)postal and trade routes changed and settlement abandoned. Left is church and cemetery. (www.roadsidethoughts.com; www.ghosttowns.com)

Richland, KS (Wikipedia; www.kansasmemory.org) 

One more city not on the map but an honorable mention; Nicodemus, Kansas. Mrs. Wilder goes on to mention how many colored people they were seeing in Kansas. One city, that they did not pass by is Nicodemus. It is one of the longest surviving African-American originated cities in America. Currently no one lives there on a permanent basis. However, reunion festivals are held for former residents. There is a book about the city titled "Going Home to Nicodemus"

P.S.

 I google mapped Nicodemus and Beatrice Kansas. Nicodemus is Way Out of the way; too far west from the road they took. 

Mapping the travel diary by Laura Ingalls wilder

I just about finished mapping out the route the Ingalls-Wilder and Cooley family took from De Smet, South Dakota to Mansfield, Missouri. The trail they followed was so well traveled it became part of the interstate highways and state routes. Proof of that is actually shown in her reverse trip diary 40 years later in 1931. She mentions the highways used at the time. Some routes have become highways(freeways) and their numbers have changed. Route 71 is one of them. Route 59 is the old route 71 now.

You know in the beginning I tried to plot the course through Map-Quest. It kept telling me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't get there from here. That is, even though they could do it back in 1894 and again in 1931; in 2013 it was impossible. So I googled it on my iPhone. Now, I was plotted. But wait, that's not all.... I looked for other maps that had cities mentioned with the highways shown. I looked at AAA online downloadable maps with city and street markings. I looked at old maps too. No highways! No surprise there. I found maps of the four states through www.geology.com. The maps that came up were nice. Someone posted them from the site. I went to see if I could get a cleaner map... You have to PAY to even look at their maps; $20.00 for basic. The person who posted the four states unknowingly did me a favor. I printed them out and started comparing the hand drawn map to a GPS map. Lots of fun there. 

The first group of maps I printed today ended up being painted on by my dependent  and friends. Those were maps that the Ingalls Wilder museums had made. I would have to wait until after playtime with new paints and friends to print out my pages. And so here you find me describing what happened before. 

Dear nelly

Hi nelly could you do me a favor? Please go to my Sherlock,...,...,... Multi-fandom site and tell Lucy warren that my G+account was temporarily suspended. Ask her to please contact me via my gmail account. 

Please and thank you. 

Mercedes  

LHOTP

I am enjoying reading the Little House series. I'm reading Farmer Boy now. I'm at Spring Time. Right now a starved dog is protecting the family from robbers. Seems a con man came to buy a horse from the Wilder family. The con man finally paid the family the full worth of the horse and took the horse. It was too late to go to town and deposit the money. Apparently the con man has partners that come later in the night and invade the house and demand the money. 

My other favorite is THE TRAVEL DIARY of Laura Ingalls Wilder. There are three books in this one. First is 1894, second 1915, and third is 1931. I read 1915 almost 20 years ago. It was letters she wrote to Almanzo Wilder on her way to San Francisco for the world fair. Her daughter, Rose Wilder Lane, would write letters later, as well. At one point Laura fell off a trolley and badly injured. The trolley company found her culpable because she stood up.  Problem is the trolley was FULL. ALso on this trip Rose tells her Pa that her Ma is starting to get fat.

The book shows a picture of Laura in modern dress for 1931(3rd book). Books one and three are reciprocals if each other. In 1894 the Wilder's left De Smet, South Dakota for Mansfield, Missouri. In 1931 they reverse that travel. From Mansfield, Missouri to De Smet, South Dakota. What's the difference now? A LOT! Horse to motor car. Dirt road to highway. Utilities! Running water and electricity could be found at the travel lodges they stayed at. No sleeping in covered wagons for them! Both books detail the area, buildings, towns/cities, etc...  The first book 1894, showed them taking up to two months to get from A to B. every day they travelled city to city and stopped. In 1931 they took the original highway 71. Hours passed and so did MANY cities. What once took weeks and months now took hours and days. 

I want to do a comparison between the two. I've already started making notes about what to compare. I'll keep you up to date. 

Google plus account suspended

Dear google plus;

Why did you suspend my account? I use a screen name. I don't post spam, porn or hate. Wazzup? 

Way to screw me over. 

Reminder for my story

Here is an excel created reminder of the clothes my character has. It also stares from when and where she got them. For my story...  www.mycrappynovel.blogspot.com

Homeless Guy

I want to recommend a blog here. It's by a homeless man in San Diego. 

www.thehomelessguy.blogspot.com .

http://thehomelessguy.blogspot.com/?m=1

It's been a while

I know it's been a while. Summer is not the best for me. My dependent went back to school. D has new issues in this new grade. My relation and I have started  relating again! Yay! D was supposed to go with extended family one weekend. It never happened. So Relation and I never got a chance to boogie around! I was pissed! You try planning to get rid of a dry spell and have your dependent refuse to sleepover! 

I'm at the point where I take .5 Xanax once a week now. A few times I made it to 1 1/2 weeks. I've been going to group once a week. Today I took .5 Xanax. I finally had to. My body felt heavy, tight, uncomfortable. I will need to talk to my dr about this. 

I started walking at least five minutes a day. Even so I've still gained weight and feel the difference. My undergarments fits tighter. It causes me anxiety. As soon as I come home I remove all my tight clothes.  

For my bday I got long looms. Now I can knit scarves. Yay! 

Driving

This past week I drove 3 times with my relation to the convenience store with numbers on it. Tonight I drove us to our old pharmacy. I took the residential streets until an intersection with traffic lights. There my relation told me to turn left. I said, "I don't think I can do this."   Now before we left i had just finished taking my regular night time Rxs. So that helped. 

The light turned green and I turned left into the right hand lane after making sure there were no oncoming cars to have an accident with. I continued until the next major intersection. Relation told me to wait until the light changed (Just like drivers training again). I turned right into a major street. I even went into a left lane and back before the next traffic light. "Boy, I hope a Sheriff didn't see that.", Relation said. Of course the sheriff station is nearby, but no deputy was on site. 

We get to the traffic signal before the pharmacy...I'm freaking out with anxiety; not panic just anxiety. Symptoms included slight tightness of chest and hyperventilation. I did my breathing exercises. I told my relation, "I don't think I can do this." And considered pulling over. It was easy to do at night. The driveway was for a gas station. Relation said, "You can do this. You can do this." I took deep breaths from the diaphragm again. The light turned green and I paused a moment before I crossed the intersection. I turned into the pharmacy and was relieved. Relation drove home as I was still recuperating (coming down) from the drive. 

Knitting for income

I have no idea if it will work... Knitting for income... But I like knitting. It's relaxing and I can do it at home. Currently I can knit beanie hats and scarves. I can sell them on ebay. 

I've written up notes in a journal. From what I can do to how I can promote it. Even where and how much I can buy the yarn. I already went to eBay to register. And I did. Knit Knax and Hobbies preceded by a proper noun.

If I could sell 50 items... Let alone make them I could make more than unemployment gives me now. It would still be in the poverty line, but it would be double what I'm getting now. SAD! Could I sell 50 items/month? I'd have to focus on college/university and pro athletic leagues. 

Xanax weekend

This past weekend with the family reunion I ended up having to take .5(2) Xanax a day apart. Doctors don't want their patients taking it back go back because its addicting. I, myself, have been trying to get off it permanently since my nightmare began. I take my prescriptions as my doctors tell me. So, why did I take one Saturday morning and then again Sunday to Monday morning? Two words...anxiety, exhaustion. Saturday morn I took a half dose to ease my panic and anxiety of going to the OC. I had lifeguard duty and then I got tired. The next day we were at the hotel in T. There, again, I had lifeguard duty by myself until I was too tired to continue. My lifeguard duties were interactive, in the pool, both days. 

Sunday night it was very VERY difficult for me to relax and go up sleep. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep they sprung open with a bit of anxiety. I recognized it from before. EXHAUSTION. Exhaustion to the point of being awake with a sleeping breathing pattern(scary!). Exhaustion to the point that your heart begins to race for lack of....   What, breath? Blood pressure? Oxygen? It had me in a frenzy at 1:00 am Monday. (Monday was my day to host the family. 

When I took the .5 Xanax everything evened out. My heart rate, my breathing, my mind...everything evened out. 

Disability

I tried to apt for disability because I feel I can't get out if the house and work anymore. My case manager told me I had a hard case against me because if my education. Should I meet with the doctor to see if I qualify for disability it was advised, without lying, that I should disclose everything I haven't yet discussed with my team. My therapist wants to discuss this further. So do I. 

Park day and the hospital

Yesterday I hosted park day in town. My two older relatives and their respective families came over. My in-laws came. The dog came, as well. Then ones who could not come we're my parents who had to go see my aunt and my younger relative and family as well. My relative had to take our parents to the hospital. But FIRST there was a forgotten appt for a parent. Ironically it was for Alzheimer's. luckily the parent's result was negative for Alzheimer's. My poor relative's dependents. They didn't even get a chance to enjoy their swim lesson yesterday. One really needed it because of the near drowning a few days ago. That happened after I ended my shift as lifeguard. 

On a brighter side all the dependents if each branch enjoyed themselves. The middle dependent of my older relative got stuck atop the monkey-bars. My two eldest relatives were called to get the dependent down. D had fun crawling across the top of the monkey-bars, giggling, but then became scared, and only squeaked out noises. 

We were at the park until 7pm. I notified all parties not yet at the park 7pm was quitting time. That way they couldn't say they got there but no one was there. 

Hotel family reunion

Yesterday we had a family reunion and a local hotel. We were enjoying ourselves. We swam in the pool. I was the lifeguard in the pool, again. I am very tired! I had to take .5 Xanax at 1 AM in the morning this past morning. I was having trouble going to sleep and my heart started racing and I was  anxious and nervous. Okay let's face it I was over exhausted and my body needed balancing out. 

My menstrual cycle finished today. 

As the evening came on my cousin called. My cousin who said he was out of the country and just arrived yesterday and phoned us today that our aunt was in the hospital that she had been attend there for 4 or 5 days. She is 81 or 82 years old. My cousin said that she has been hallucinating and possibly suffering from septicemia. Now he says the doctor says that a decision has to be made. My aunts signed papers giving my cousin the power of attorney however, he has been out of the country all this time. This put a damper on the festivities yesterday. 

Two years ago her sister died from a fire. i passed my phone to my dad so that he could talk to my cousin. Today my cousin called again to let us know that my aunt was doing worse today than yesterday. Today we are hosting part day but my parents my relative and my relatives children are going to visit my aunt in the hospital there going to try to take care the situation in the morning. To get together was supposed to be for 2 PM it is difficult to see if anyone is coming today to the family get together since my hand is in declining health at the hospital Mayari relative states that she is not in the mood for a car birthdays or anything and that sort. I asked my relative to take me out the thread...to start a new thread where they're updating Without me in the new. I and my nerves would not be able to handle all the updates on my aunt as I am without company here at the park except for my relation and my dependent. My relative has done that; has started a new thread. The updates are being kept on that thread I have no knowledge of what is going on. Sometimes I wish I knew, but I know it's better if you gave me the information in person with someone next to me. That's what my nerves can handle. 

It is now 2:18 PM. My nuclear family is the only one that is here we did bring our dog.  My parents, my relative, my relative's dependents are still at the hospital. My cousins have not arrived.  my other relative and  dependents have not arrived. My other relative and family has not arrived either.   

I will update on this topic later tonight. Peace and love. Amen 

Therapy day

This week I had my group therapy and one-on-one on the same day. I really needed that as well. I'm having a group reunion. I'm seeing a relative I haven't seen in years. I have mixed feelings because of previous family issues. Recently this relative was also having health issues due to age and weight. This relative wouldn't respond to my messages, texts or status posts. 

Also, this relative saw friends on the way down. Fine by me, but I have history there also with my relative the other relative and the friends. So I wasn't happy to think about the friends and my two relatives commiserating together against me.  Eventually I told my mother I didn't want any issues with anyone there. 

.5 Xanax

IYesterday at 2 am I was startled awake from anxiety. Previously I was worrying the past few days that what happened before would happen again. I've avoided things that I did the day of that attack. 

The day of the attack I watched some videos on the Great Depression and two documentary reality shows called MINERS HOUSE. So as much as I want to see those clips again I haven't. That's just one example. Fruit loops is a food I haven't eaten with milk as well. Yes I had it as a snack before bed. I did many times before. I mentioned my situation in group last week. Unfortunately I was not able to have a one on one with my therapist. My therapist is going through a family emergency, as well. Appointments last week have had to be rescheduled. 

Paramedics

 We have new neighbors. They moved in a few days ago. They are still moving in furniture. Today there was an accident next door. I heard a child cry. My m-i-l heard an adult cry out. Next thing we know the paramedics and long ladder truck are next door. They were followed up later with an ambulance. 

A parent was sent by ambulance to the ER. shoeless. Still it looks like the right hand was injured. The person also had a I've connected. Go figure. 

Late afternoon their children are in the backyard playing screaming and splashing. In the house the toddler is crying. Back to normal fit them. Glad parent was able to come home relatively quickly. 

Heat wave!

MY GOD IT'S HOT. OPPRESSIVELY SO! At the mall searching for a/c. The mall is too full to feel it. I'm in a stall at forever 21. Now I feel the air. Good. 

DANG IT'S HOT! 

SHIT!! It's only 88•F! MoFo! 

This is my blog and I'll curse I I want to! Tomorrow it'll be worse. 

Morning after the panic

This morning I got up well sedated. I ended up napping on and off until mid day. Now I'm outside with my dependent. Working on my craft. Playing with my iPhone apps as well. 

Super tachy heart beat last night

I had a scary night last night. I woke up to a very fast heart rate. It scared the shit out if me. I haven't had that in a long while!  As I walked to the kitchen to get my med I was still breathing normally but my heart started pounding harder and faster. My hands started trembling. At one point I could hear my heart valves open close open close open close in my ear drums!  I took .5 Xanax but it didn't have an immediate effect. I then took another .5 Xanax; 1.0 Xanax total. I woke up my relation and requested help. R got up grumpily and met me in the bathroom. By then I had removed my top and placed a wet towel on my chest. R rubbed my back while we held hands. R went in to tell me there was nothing wrong with me. That R has been off the Rx  for weeks now with no ill effects. GOODY FOR R! I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to get better. This all happened at 1:00 AM!  

As I left the bathroom I texted my cousins

"g'nite" to see who was up. They both wished me good night. My older one I talked to the longest. The younger one said was lonely and missed us. I feel ya cuz. Not easy taking care of a disabled parent when you're an only child. 

My older cousin and I played three games on tango then I said good night and went to bed. Good cousin. C followed up to see how I was doing. "Better" I said. "Good" C said. 

Could not go

This is the third get together that I missed with my coworkers. Today is the graduation of a coworker's son. I could not go because if transportation issues. Last two times the same. Sucks out loud!

Day seven

Seven days ending and now I have to take Xanax. Well, I'm expanding the days. 

No Xanax so far

No Xanax since the last time I posted. Today makes day four.    Aiming for day five. 

Yesterday I worked on the doll dress. I had to stop because I couldn't find the snap on buttons. I have sewed up the seams front and back in the shoulders and the slit. I have NOT done the hem on the sides until the buttons are sewn on. I now understand WHY the back gets more room than the front. I mean, I've always understood for the behind, but sewing a new pice of clothing has enlightened me. 

The doll dress is NOT Louis Vuitton, Alfani, or Calvin Klein. It's not even Barbie  couture. However my straps, Crappy as they are, won't rip off or fall apart in two play dates.  

Today I finger knitted a two yarn boa for my dependent. I finished it in 30 minutes.  I used two different types of yarn. One was straight thin yarn and the other was NOT. They look like feathers. Both yarns are of mixed materials. Acrylic. Is in both. 

I decided to make it today after I spoke to an extended family member yesterday.  That person explained how the two textured scarf was made. 

Yesterday I waited too long to eat. Apparently that's a trigger. I hyperventilated. My body was conserving energy. I bought an apple w caramel dip. I burned right through the 130 calories!  

We finally got lunch. After I ate I was better. 

.5 Xanax on 6-10-13

I forgot to mention that I was able to go 7 days without a Xanax before I had to take  it. I'm getting slack in recording my intake. I shouldn't do that. The lexapro is a daily non-habit forming Rx. Xanax IS habit forming. I want to avoid that habit. This past Monday, 06-10-13, I took the .5 Xanax. Before I took it I did try and look up the last dosage for Xanax. I could not find it in any if my calendars or diaries. 

Two projects at once

Knitting soothes the soul.

I've been knitting s new scarf again. Been working on it a few days now. 

What a day!

Thursday and Friday were emotional days for me. Got into a fight with my relation. I wrote sinvergüenza cabrón and R. wrote bitch. There was a verbal fight before the written fight. I wrote in my journal in pencil. R. came up to me outside and asked me what I wrote. I said,"sinvergüenza cabrón" "what does it say?" I repeated my statement. Finally R. demanded to know the translation. I told R. IlIt means "shameless goat". That's when R wrote bitch in my journal in pen. I told R I had written in pencil! R didn't care and continues to write in pen. A PERMANENT mark. Bastard! 

It left a negative impression on me entering therapy. I was not happy at all. Tears came down my face. I eventually was able to have a one on one with my therapist. 

I decided to remove the page in front of my relation instead of with my therapist. That way R could see I was over the situation. When I did do this R said I shouldn't take out the page. I still needed the other dates in the page. Also that I should remember my errors. That pissed me off. R usually says something like that being serious and playful at the same time. R said I need to be nicer. R needs to be nicer too. Words are too sharp. 

What a day

What a day... Shopped at goodwill. Found a short piece of burlap fabric for 49¢. I checked the classes at park ad recreation and noted them in the calendar. 

I had to take .5 Xanax today. Wasn't feeling well at all. 

My cycle is off

This month of may my cycle came two weeks apart! SAY WHAT? WHY? Why is it only two weeks this time? I'm not old enough for the change yet! Any suggestions? I'm 43 and I have fibroids in my uterus. It's a big cluster that grew as my pregnancy grew. I know I've reached the age where it's just about time to have them removed. Scary concept, right? Take the fatty deposit and cysts out of my breasts, as well. 

3:30pm. I feel not so good with my period. I need to buy more Tylenol. We ran out.  My relation said we could go tomorrow to get my rx. LOVELY! When it suits my relation! Gimme a break. 

7:35pm. Spoke to my elder relatives today. They demanded my attention on the phone. I explained I was focused on MY dependent relative. Then further in the conversation my elder relative wants to know when I'll be visiting. This month it'll be for Father's Day. We can only afford gas for once a month. I was accused of going to various places and not visiting them. I reminded my beloved elder relative that I don't go places anymore. I only go to the clinic now. My behavior has changed dramatically since last year! One thing I do not allow anymore is to be pigeonholed for something I did not or cannot do. Last month was a party for a great elder. We all went that day to celebrate 90 years of life. We don't go there every day, week or month. We go there on SPECIAL occassions. That's it. My family KNOWS that because of my anxiety/panic attacks I lost my independence. Thanksgiving was held at home. Christmas? Forget it! That required a Xanax! It wasn't easy traveling to ANOTHER COUNTY when the RX you're taking wreaks havoc on your system.  I've been journaling this for a bit over a year now. But only recently did I start blogging about it. 

Bye for now. 

Crap the triggers

I'm sitting in the bathroom keeping cool and calm. I had a wet wash cloth on my chest then on my back. Try as I might I could not rest while laying in bed tonight. 

I took the dog out for a short walk. We went two houses down, in the dark, alone. I told the dog there would be no long walk tonight. I felt a tightening in the left  side of my chest which I recognized as anxiety. I turn the dog around and we headed home. It took me a while to feel safe. I was walking him back home saying "it's not that long a walk. I'm fine." Then I remember; my cell is in the house charging. That's ok. I know I'm not far from home. Still the left side of my chest was tighter. 

 

Now that I wrote this out my left side is looser. I feel better. It's still warm! Doc told be to get ready because there's going to be a lot of heat this weekend. I have to agree. I told doc heat us one if my triggers. I also told doc about my cycle being a trigger as well. 

-------------•----------------•----------------

Well I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. Every two hours I was awakened by my family. I'm suffering the effects now. I keep closing my eyes with my finger on the phone. You won't believe who I've complained about just holding down the space bar! Oops. I'm trying to rest now. 

I've discovered the many typos from last night. Hopefully I've corrected them all by now. I will be taking a nap later today. So far I've taken half a lexapro to deal with the side effects of my cycle, bad news, and sleep deprivation. 

Relax it's just the weather and your period!

Ugh I got a double trigger whammy. I got my cycle a week early. Oh joy! I also got a mini heat wave going on. Summer's gonna be REAL fun! I'm sitting in the coolest part if the house with a damp wash cloth on my belly to help cool me down. 30 minutes ago I took half a lexapro. Not Xanax, lexapro. Tonight ill take the other half. 

I saw Doc today. Reviewed my rxs and my recuperation. I made a new friend today. This person knows how to knit. Yay! We both had our bags of yarn, hooks and needles. We sat talking about crafting as we waited to see our doctors. 

We had group session this week. The case mgr did a good job facilitating. We took a walk around the block. We have a new member. Seems to be a good mix in the group. 

This week's session the crafting was on knitting. I taught the ladies how to start a loom knit for beanie hats. I explained that thick yarn is needed to produce a viable hat. I told them that today's lesson was to enjoy the process of making a beanie hat. The product was not going to look right because its the wrong yarn. 

I also let them know some of the errors that they might find because they're still learning. I told them that I had only learned myself a few weeks ago. They looked at me in surprise. 

I made sure to model the appropriate loom knitting to every lady in the group. The activity lead to open communication. We all smiled and giggled. On occasion there was frustration as we discovered yarns were too tight, or wrapped the wrong way. We plan to have a crafting group once a week as part of our socialization goals. 

I received a $5.00 gas card. They want the card and receipt returned. I knew about the card, just not about the receipt. Oh well. Receipt and card it is. 

Day six time to take Xanax

So I was able to go five days without Xanax. I just took the .5 Xanax now lunch hour. It started about an hour ago with a familiar tightening in my chest. It's the scary tightening. It started on my right side. It just now moved to the middle. I wasn't planning to wait for the left side.

However I did try to mitigate it. I walked around the block w my family and dog. I took the 2nd 1/2 of my bp pill.  I sewed patches on my patchwork quilt (non-polished). 

Personally familiar

Someone drew this picture of Sherlock Holmes as a child being bullied. I looked at it and thought "this looks familiar". It is PERSONALLY familiar to me as my classmates did this to me every Monday through Friday for 12 years of my life! What's the difference? Sherlock was ostracized for his anti-social hyper aware abilities. I was ostracized because of my race/ethnicity. 

I was called the N-word, a communis(not true, pro-democracy), wiggy(because my mom wears a wig), moose head(see before, hated YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISIONS  nickname), bush woman(thanks to a social studies lesson), freak, he-man (cuz I had to defend myself physically). I was pushed, shoved, and punched. 👐👊👇✋ They tried to beat me up butI fought back. I wasn't an easy target for physical abuse. 👊

I took a lot of shit growing up. I was able to separate home life from school life. I told myself after high school I never had to see them again. 

At my ten year reunion I went with a date. He was ten years older than me, from the same home country, but separated from his partner and babies momma. 

I went to my reunion, excited to see my old school mates. WHY? I still wanted to be accepted, that's why. Well people mingled and never stayed in a group. Eventually they would join their clique. I didn't have any friends in my grade. My best friend from high school graduated a year ahead of me. So, she wasn't there. I was embarrassed in front of my date. He asked me if my friends were present. I told him the truth. I didn't have friends in my class. 

I saw a man who I had known since elementary. I went up to talk to him. He was genuinely happy to see me. He had been worried about me. He was glad to see me alive and well. He didn't know how I had survived THE SHIT they had put me through. He thought I was a prime risk for self-permanent, damage. I don't want to use the S-word. It's so ugly and terrible. 

Bullying hurts. It hurts emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually. There are all types of bullying and abuse. 

How did it leave me? 

1. I never thought I could be a leader; only a follower who takes orders. Who would follow me?

2. I didn't want children. If even the younger children, and my sibling would gang up on me I didn't need it in my house from my own children. 

3. I was a LONER. I didn't have friends at school. I only had classmates. My siblings had friends. They were all smart and in the in-crowd. Not me. I would finally get a friend my junior year. 

4. I walked with my head down. I never looked forward. I had no self-esteem!

5. I never asked directly to pair up with anyone in class because I felt no one wanted me as a friend. Everyone paired up with someone else. I always ended up either alone or with the teacher. 

6.  When I talk about this to my original nuclear family they pounce on me. I used to come home on occasion and tell my mom the other kids don't like me. They hated me. 

7. I am socially awkward. I am a nerd, an ugly duckling. Period. That's it. That's not going to change any time soon. I can only try to hold my tongue and not jump into other people's business. 

8.  I take things personally. I can't help it. 

9.  I suffer anxiety and panic attacks. 

What's changed? 

1. I'm married with one child. 

2. I am a leader. I found my self-esteem. Anyone tries to crap on me either I tell them off or I walk away from them. I decide who's in my circle of influence.  

3. I do not allow bullying. Not from within, of without. I never allowed cliques or bullies to get a stronghold in my classroom. 

4. I actually walk head up and ahead now. I don't hide anymore. Even if I am overweight now. 

5. I don't talk to my family about bullying anymore. They don't even know about this blog. If they did they'd never let me hear the end of it. I'd get phone calls daily. "Why did you put that on your blog? Take they down.  You want the neighbors to see?"  I did get my sibling to apologize to me on one occasion. 

6.  I like speaking up now. My coworkers always get me to speak up for the group.  I don't mind because I like to show off.  I like getting applauses. 

7. Because I was a loner and did everything on my own, my mistakes are mine and no one else's. no one influenced me negatively to drink or do drugs. I waited until I believed my baggage of the time was dealt with before I got involved with my spouse. 

Now I have new issues. If I didn't it wouldn't be living in society. As our therapist said, "you don't reach 40 without having baggage."  

EVERYONE HAS BAGGAGE. 

Christopher Titus trusts people with Crappy life growing up because they know how to handle a situation.  Someone from a perfect upbringing won't know what to do the first time they get a challenge. They'll roll up into a ball and freak out. 

Bye for now. 

Patchwork

Today I bought a book on strip patchwork quilting. I looked at a few pictures and decided to utilize an unused pant leg, two strips from two different cloths I bought to make doll clothes. I enjoyed the process of my unpolished and unfinished patchwork overlay. 

Yesterday I saw a video on youtube of The great drapo. He can make dresses out of bolts of cloth material without sewing. It was great! I loved it. I could attempt something with the Barbie dolls. 

Add link here...

the great drapo.

 http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zcTykuBQVQI

I found old clothes for a quilt!

I found older and smaller size shirts for my relative that I can cut up and turn in to quilt strips. Yay! They're nice and thick because they're from Land's End. 

Dealing with anxiety today

It's not too bad. I knew today I was going to have to take Xanax again. I did. I took .5 Xanax after waking up in a panic. The symptoms were there I simply waited unto I couldn't control them any longer. I'm sitting outside with my sewing/knitting kit and my dog. My relation is in bed with an injured back. It was injured exiting the car last night at 7-11. Oh and it was "SO MUCH FUN" discovering the reefer addicts had parked next to us. NOT! Cops need to go to the parking lot again. Get the junkies out of there. Could've been arrested for DUI/DWI. 

This past week Oklahoma has had to deal with their own external anxieties. An EF-5 swooped in and devastated Shawnee,OK. A school destroyed. 51 people dead; it was later lowered to 24. Many were children. A teacher lay across 6 children to anchor them down. She saved their lives. Obviously lower grade. I was napping on the couch when the tv suddenly launched into he live broadcast. It had been going on for some time. Well, of course I woke up with some anxiety. I mitigated it by leaving the room and doing other projects. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and hands, and started knitting and sewing. I sewed a dress for a doll. Still working on that knitting project. 

Later today I focused on my next project. After I took that ,5 Xanax I gathered my crafting bag and went outside to the backyard.  There I loomed a bit. I reorganized my bags of yarns and cloth so it wouldn't be so messy. I started thinking about what I could do with the legs of the pants I cut off. I put out the question on two different social medias. I got some interesting responses. 

1. A pillow case for the chair

2. A quilt or cut into strips for a quilt 

3. A denim skirt for my relative, not relation. 

Well I started thinking about the quilt. First I sketched a design. Hen I took it to the next step by coordinating color patterns from construction paper.  "Why?", you ask? Because I've never done a quilt before. I don't have the right cloth to make a quilt. And the ones I do have I'm not cutting up yet to butcher unless I have practice or direction. 

Designs I thought about...

1. Pinwheel

2. Braid design

3. 1234,2341,3412,4123 pattern 

4. 

Walking group

I went walking today. Felt good. I seem to be doing better walking now than when I first started. I felt calm and vibrant (but not manic). Sleep finally kicked in towards the end of tutoring today. I crashed on the sofa. I took 1/2 Lexapro to balance me out because of the exhaustion. 

Tomorrow I'm due to take my next dose if Xanax. It's been 4.5 days since my last dosage. 

Drs visit

Two says ago the clinic called me to remind me of my appt. yesterday. Yesterday I went to the appt. the dr reviewed what I already knew from the radiologist/dr at DBC. He then proceeded to tell me that the standard procedure is to have the patient follow up with a specialist. He's referring me to a specialist at a hospital. 

My belief it'll be a biopsy. This time they can remove the whole thing. Thank you very much. 

Sewing a dress for doll.

Yesterday I spent my time organizing my crafting bagS. I knitted a few pieces on the looms. Last night I started seeing a halter dress for a doll. It was interesting. Just when I got in a rhythm the thread comes off the needle. Three times it happened!  Now this harvest cloth I'm using I got at Joann's Fabric red tag sale.  I got it with the purpose of sewing a dress for a doll. The pictures shown here is the strap for the dress. It has half of the snap on button.  The other half of the button will go on the dress. I'm trying to adjust the dress to fit the doll nicely. 

Group therapy

Before group therapy today my group went on a walking therapy. We all suffer from some diet of generalized anxiety and agoraphobia. Imagine to our surprise when the block wasn't straight but zig saggy. We got to a point .4 miles later and couldn't figure out if the next street was a dead end. We hadn't even gotten there and we were deciding whether or not to up back the way we came. I took out my phone and used the gps map. Unfortunately I didn't focus the direction. It looked like we would go forward turn right the make three left turns. People wanted to turn back at that point. So, I turned on the focus and realized, hey go straight and then make three left turns. We had a discussion and we decided to go forward. 

So as our case manager stated, we "went on a walk, meet problems head on, and problem solved",  while using the safe coping skills being taught. 

Next week we will learn to knit. I plan to help.  

The Heat

Ever since the heat came in I've been noticing an uncomfortableness between my shoulders. Like a tension. Monday I went for a walk and upon my return had to take a shower to cool down. The left breast has a tension in it as well. I fear a repeat major episode. 

I'm able to walk 4/5 of the way at my pace before I have to stop. I'm literally st the parking lot pillars when the need to stop comes on me. It's just winded tiredness from walking. What scares me is the rapid heart. Now steady paced walking is supposed to increase the heart rate, normally. That's ok. But I've had repeat supertachy heart rates where I've had to take Xanax. Not. Big fan of that symptom. 

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day. Saturday we celebrated great grandma's 90th bday. Sunday we celebrated Mother's Day at my parents house. Both days I made a beanie hat and gave it as a gift to  both ladies. Nonny got a red hat. Abuela got a blue hat. 

Later we went to the park where there was a fiesta going on. 

I didn't take a Xanax until the middle of the night. 

Sew/knit items

My family and I went to china mart today to find the teams of cloth hey advertised as $1-$2/yard. They weren't out. The person who knew about it was out for the day. I called the store back later that night (they are open 24hrs they said) but no one answered the phone.

I did find cute china made baubles, buttons, etc... To decorate my sewing projects with. I enjoyed buying the decorative items.

Therapy

This week I walked three times with a group, I attempted an interview to volunteer at a local library. I realized I had left my medicine at home. Unfortunately I started getting anxious about not having it. My relation left me at the library and went home!  Told R. to come get me and bring my medicine. Yes the box of pills. 

We had words on the way home and at home!

While I was waiting for him I tried calling my family. No one was home. No one answered. My case manager wasn't available. Then I said "screw it, someone's at the clinic." I called and spoke to the front office. I told them I was having a panic attack and who I was a patient of. They passed me to the Doc. Doc reminded me that everything was on its way to me. I reminded myself that my heart wasn't racing that badly. I tried to breathe deeply from the diaphragm, as well. Sorry Doc, I had no paper bag.  I did use the reaching out for help homework on this one; that's for sure. 

The next day was group therapy. It turns out I am not the only one to panic when the medicine is not on ones self. 

Topic for this week was grounding oneself to limit the pain from trauma. There are three types of grounding: mental, physical, spiritual.  

The quote starting the session was "this feeling is not forever"

During therapy we discussed starting a walking group. I'm for it if I can get someone to stay walking next to me. I was left in the dust the third day of walking. The ladies are lighter in weight and can walk faster. I was forgotten. Lovely.   

I had to take a .5 Xanax today. 

Testing My Resolve

Today my family member jumped on me about my results from the sonogram. I told FM I had to go. I told FM that the results would not be in yet. It would take a week. FM had a specialist to lean on and ask questions. FM is simply making me anxious. 

My relation wasn't easy either.  I have been walking these past three days. Last two days in am after dropping off relative.  I walk around the block, which is a mile, and call said relation to pick me up. Relation told me that the walk has to be 30 minutes otherwise its not worth the turn around. Relation said I would either drive or walk our relative to destination. Well my relation picked me up and we went home. 

Walking club and sew/knit hobbies

Today I walked again with my walking buddy (WB). This time we went around the block at school. That walk is one mile. We tried to go a 2nd time, but my body just wasn't up for it. After all it was a mile!!!

The thing is when we started a 2nd lap I got as far as the 1st 1/4 of the block. I told my WB that I couldn't finish the 3/4 lap. I thought I could, but my body stated differently, convincingly (light headed, motion sensitive). I called to be picked up. My ride picked me up and we went home. 

Between yesterday and today we accepted 43 members!!  

many stated they would join the walk this week. 😄😀 let's see what happens. 

I went to get my blood pressure rx from the pharmacy. They had me worried because I couldn't get it refilled on time. I had called it in last week on Saturday. They said I didn't have any refills and needed a doctor's rx to refill again. They would contact the Dr. on Monday and it should be ready Wednesday; today. Well, I had called; nothing. So I played operator between the pharmacy and the clinic. 

I called the pharmacy. They're still waiting. I called the clinic. Apparently the head Dr, the one who signed off on my rx, is only there once a week. That day already passed. Dammit! Front office nurse put me on hold to see what could be done. She passed me to the back office. I spoke to the person in charge of dispensing the medicine there. She said the pharmacy needs to speak to her directly since the doctor wasn't in. I called to tell the pharmacy and told them to speak directly to the head of dispensary.   I asked if they would call within the next ten minutes as I really needed my blood pressure medicine today. I started getting nervous. I looked in my old pill bottles looking for a lone BP rx. I found 1/2 and 1/4 pills in a bottle. I took the 1/2 pill. 

Then I went back to pushing for my rx again. One hour later I called again, after being reminded, to check on my rx. I was told by a technician in the pharmacy that they had left a message.  I called the clinic, myself, and asked to speak to the back office/dispensary. She did not get the message. I gave her the pharmacy number. She said she would call them. Within an hour the pharmacy automated called me back. The rx was finally ready to pick up. 

Right after the pharmacy we went to the discount store, G. There I found various sewing and knitting accessories to pass the time. I got two trim up packets, two yarns, size 18 doll pattern, and needle point embroidery kit.  Can't wait to try them. 

I also bought a silk scarf. It was, unfortunately, G clean which is NOT clean. They don't clean anything! At all!!  I had to wash that scarf multiple times. The first time I put it in the sink to hand wash the water turned BLACK! and as many times I washed it it still smelled! Finally I hung it outside to dry. I plan to let it soar in the wind for two days but already I could tell that nature is correcting a man made mistake. 

Walking Club

I co-started a walking club yesterday with a fellow parent at the school. The walking Club was her idea. We met at the park. All three generations of us. We moms walked once around the park while the gmas watched the kids at play. I had a great time and enjoyed meeting a new friend. 

We want to expand the group from just us two to more. The nice thing I noticed about the .5 mile walk was the feeling of calm and tiredness I haven't felt in a long time. We're walking again tomorrow if there's no rain. 

I fell asleep early tonight and woke up at 2am. I had to take my Rx still. 

Mammogram follow up

Today I had a follow up to my mammogram. The technician told me the doctor wanted two more X-rays on the left boob. She positioned me on he torture chamber then proceeded to lift me off the floor(j/k). The second torturous event I kindly asked her to hurry the *{^~' up. She finished the X-ray and quickly released me. I massaged my left booby. Poor deflated thing. Then I followed the technician to the back room for the sonogram. Here is where I finally met Dr. Z. 

She performed the sonogram on me. She said it looked like a fatty deposit. Next step is a follow-up, check up in six months. They'll measure it again. If its bigger then they'll remove it. If it stays the same then it stays. Then two years later its considered benign as long as it doesn't grow. Well, I'm relieved. 

IN OTHER NEWS

Today I started a walking club. We walked 1.22 miles today. We're repeating again regularly during the week. We have s closed group on a social media. People have to be either invited or request to join. They have to be a mom at the school. No soliciting either. 

Sewing projects.

After making the cinch pouch I found myself with extra energy. I decided, after a while, to spend that energy a good way by pursuing another project. I went to the bedroom and found an old ripped up pair of jeans. I took the jeans and an old pair of pajamas to the computer table. I sat there for a bit with big scissors at hand visualizing the project I wanted to do.

I aimed the scissors at the right isn't leg and started cutting. After cutting the right pant leg; unevenly apparently, I cut the left leg more evenly. 

TO BE CONTINUED   

Cinch Pouch

Today I finished a cinch pouch I've been working on for a few days. I took a cut off leg pant and sewed the bottom right above the cuff. Then the other narrower side I sewed a low hem. Next I took a safety pin to a yarn and let my m-i-l pull it threw the low hem. Finally I cinched it to close it. Next up decorating it.

Therapy by the group

This week I started my therapy on managing stress anxiety and depression. It was a good session. I made new friends and realized in my group I'm not the only one with anxiety.

The rules of A.A. style sessions applies. What is said in session stays in session. You don't have to share if you don't want to. Respect the person talking. Enjoy art journaling. Its not the Product but the PROCESS of the journey(art). I loved the art journaling. I showed my dependent.

This person enjoyed art journaling as well.
It was needed as this person had overheated at lunch time. I ended up cooling said person down in the bathtub.

Home alone again

Yesterday I was left home alone with my dependent. Today it's the same thing. Why do I feel more nervous about bit now? I don't know. I'm doing my breathing techniques.

Yesterday I talked to my mom on the phone. I'll contact someone again today. Part of the reaching out for help theme from group therapy yesterday.

I called my family again today. My family didn't answer in time or fast enough. It wasn't their fault. Since I was alone with my dependent I didn't feel like going into a tailspin. I had physical symptoms that went with my anxiety/panic attack. Tightness of chest and stomach areas, Lightheadedness, trouble focusing. I felt myself losing a battle. I had to take a .5 Xanax. I didn't want to scar and scare my dependent by having to call 9-1-1.

I finally reach my mom. We talk over the phone by FaceTime. She sees me working on a new project. I'm cutting the legs of of two pairs of jeans. I'm very happy to talk to her about this project. I'll be making jean shorts, and a pouch, as well.

The rest of my family comes home after a while. The dog is greeted in the living room while I am still waiting in the bedroom. Teasing ensues now. My family is home.

The Medic

Today a younger than me family member continued to text me about this being my wake up call. I texted another family member asking to help calm down the first one.

My younger relation was mentioning about

•weight is a factor in cancer cells
•processed foods cause cancer
• relation had gone thru own wake up call with diabetes. Given five years if didnt change lifestyle.


Person went on and on. I tried my best not to read the texts. Eventually I deleted them without reading.

Tonight I ate a parfait from 7-11.

Let Loose the Hounds of Hell

Last night I took .5 Xanax after I got a call from the clinic. The doctor wanted me to come in earlier and talk about my mammogram results. Now the breast clinic, DBC, had already sent me a letter stating I had spots on my mammogram and they wanted to follow it up with a sonogram.

We were at odds yesterday and it carried to today. This morning while taking relative out of home we got into a verbal fight. Told me to go home walking. Guess what I did. I let out curses and was planning to walk to local diner to get away from fight. After dropping relative off relation got in car and caught up to me. Angrily signaling to get in the car. I was pissed. I didn't want to.

We drove arguing for a while. Upon reaching the house we sat in the car and continued to Argue. We each shouted ou our points at each other.

We finally got to the doctor. The gremlins were playing with my records. First they couldn't find my file. Then, when they found it, they couldn't find the results from DBC. I called DBC and left a message for them to call the clinic and re-fax my results.

Finally 30 minutes later I'm finally Seen by the doctor. My case manager and my relation join me in the patient room. The nurse practitioner tells me there us a 1.0 cm dense area in my left outer upper quadrant. They will follow up with a sonogram. I got that letter about the sonogram appt. already.

After the session relation picks up our relative while I have a therapy walk with my case manager. Talking with the case manager helps me to relieve stress. St two I called my relation to pick me up. Both come and get me. We eat lunch at Subway. I had comfort food. Soup, salad and a drink. Meatball sandwich, vegetable beef soup, and lemonade.

My therapist saw me before my appt. and told me expect a call this evening to follow up. My therapist was fully booked. I was reminded, this evening during the phone call, that the staff was there for me.

Repeat offender

Picked up a family member today. Hugs and kisses. Noticed a bruise on person's left temple. Person mentioned that a male knocked this person over. Glasses fell off face and were tweaked. Talked to the person in charge. That person will talk to the male tomorrow. Suggestion was made to take this person's glasses to any optician to get them fixed.

In car with person we picked up. Apparently I can advocate too much for the person we just picked up. Driver told me to knock it off. I need to let the other person talk. I do it too much and the driver is not above making me get out of the car and walk home. "You can walk this distance. You've done it before." I was livid the driver would say that to me. "Yeah, let me talk for myself" the other person said. Guess what I soo changed my tune with them both. I didn't advocate for the person anymore. That person will have to do it all, now.

Btw the driver had teased this person earlier about the optician taking out big needles. This person got scared. I gave death glares to the driver. The driver teased the person, and thought it was funny to blame me on what was said. I told the driver they had to calm this person down. Driver spoke out if turn drivers responsibility. The person clung to me, instead. Then when we got to the car all that bullshit happened.

Then the driver tells me that for my sins I'm going to help the person today.

ASSHOLE.

I did not purposely start a conversation with this person the rest of the day.

4.29.13

Tough day today. Some ppl need to realize they aren't innocent. They are responsible as well.

Half way to being able to take another Xanax. Let me clarify this statement. I'm trying to get off Xanax. So I started at three days apart, then four days apart, then five days apart. Now I'm at six days apart. I had gotten as far as 16 days apart but then the tonsillectomy hit. Out went that schedule with every flare up of my nerves. So, here I am trying again. This week ill be attending my first group session dealing with stress and depression.

I worked on my loom knitting today. The scarf is finally taking shape,length-wise.
I worked on my scarf outside because certain ppl were working my last nerve. I didn't really speak to this person until hours later. I waited for that person to come to me. Eventually that person did come to me. Still p. o.

Family member with anxiety

My family member had slept well. Waking up said person was anxious. I know exactly what that's like. This person eventually calmed down.

I felt resentful today vs. my hubby. I will not go into details. However, I resent that he put himself in a position of power and left me with none in this topic. Especially since the resource comes from me!

I resented the people around me today.

1. The Bobsie twins invading my space in the travel size section of the store.

2. The Pont size terror who whines like a girl, even though he's clearly a boy. Dad had to pick him up and forcibly place him in the elevator. And hubby wanted us to share the same car with them. That child had screamed for over 20 minutes in the play area we were in. He seemed to parallel me when I moved away from the you section. "OMG is he following me?!", I thought.

3. I wanted to lay down and rest but aforementioned family member would not move over. I was at the point of yelling! I finally DID get my nap in soon after.

4. This whole weekend I was responsible for the care and safety of the family member with anxiety. Hubby refused to relieve me stating it was my fault for opening my "big mouth". I quietly flicked the bird his way. Today I left him to take care of said person.

5. The Bully on the Escalator. I was going down the escalator when I noticed someone invading my personal space. I look to the left. I look to the right. The man behind me says, "What?!" As I get off the escalator I veer left and look right. The man Brusquely got off the escalator and veered right towards the registers. Pissed me off!!

KMA that's how I feel about today.


KMA
KMA
KMA
KMA
KMA

KMM-FA


I just posted a fictionalized account of the crying child. I'm working on the bully on the escalator now.

Family Member Needs Help

I woke up this morning to a family member shaking. I prepared this person a breathing treatment. This person kept having to pee nervous drops of pee until a BM finally occurred.

Hugs helped this person as well.
This person is asking for another breathing treatment. Heart rate has gone up. This person has anxiety, but no rx to calm down.

Took a walk around the backyard with this person. Our dog followed us, barking and chasing the ball tossed at him.

This person is now drawing the family. Still learning to draw so stick figures it is.

This person now feels better one hour later. 11:04am.

It came in cycles today. This person needs to see the doctor about the whole situation.
Breathing treatments, Tylenol, allergy med., etc… walks to take the edge off. Drawing, reading, and writing.

This person finally took the allergy medicine and went to bed early.

Mental health 4.26.13

Well, I'm doing pretty well today. I started calling local non-profit organizations to offer my time to volunteer. I felt really good about it. Volunteering will help me desensitize myself to my agoraphobia triggers.

I'm beginning to understand how and why Monk needed a life coach/nurse/personal assistant. I need an adult with me to get in the car and go some place. Once there in a locale I know I can go one way and the adult the other way.

I walked the dog twice today. Both times 3-4 houses past the pocket fence that represents my anchor to the house.

The other day I walked to the corner, past the fence and started hyperventilating on the way back. As Ms G stated I used cognitive thinking to modify my behavior. I talked to myself to calm down. I breathed deeply, and said "you're almost to the fence. After that you're close to to home." Don't fold up on yourself. You have your cell phone and the dog. You can pet the dog. You can call home and tell hem to come get you with your medicine."

As I talked to myself I took one step after another. When I got to the fence I was happy. I calmed down more and walked home more calmly.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tmJiyWsTAhs

This should link you to PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER from RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER.

My health

Today I went six days without taking a Xanax. I just took .5 Xanax. In slowly spacing out my intake if them. After the surgery it was three days apart, then four days apart twice, then five days apart. Now I'm at six says apart. This is the first six day. Then six days later it will be six days apart again. Then next time it should be seven days apart.
I just took a needed nap after the Xanax. I woke up, had dinner and am doing better.

This intake has made me think to wait a bit longer, I just wasn't up to feeling the full on panic attack I usually wait for. It had symptoms if being a painful one.

The Old Haunted Ground

I'm working on a long chapter. I can't quite smooth it out. I know it needs work.


What else? I journaled, I blogged, and I wrote a chapter in my story. It needs major reworking.

Today I made plans to volunteer somewhere. I called the library and spoke to customer service AND their bookstore. The bookstore has a bigger need than the library. Where else could I volunteer? Hospices, hospitals, senior homes, etc...

Day Mare wake ups

The past week I've reverted to waking up from naps with a day mare. Fortunately they are less traumatic than before since I have the correct Rx now.

Last night, for example I took a nap for an hour. I awoke suddenly hyperventilating, and heart slightly fast. I got up and went to the kitchen sink and just stood there breathing until I finally woke up. Hubby asked me if I was ok. If I had had a nightmare.

I'm not as scared as I was back in December. In December I was on Celexa. Yuk! A bad FLUSH every time. G. thinks the symptoms of my flushing may be from transitioning meds. Any Rx that does that to you while transitioning is not good.

Therapy Today

Today I finally saw my therapist. G. came out and let me know the session would be starting a bit late due to a meeting. I said no problem. I continued to loom a scarf for a family member.

I showed G. the various strategies I was employing to overcome anxiety.

1. Journalling
2. Blogging
3. Story writing
4. Loom Knitting

I also talked about the symptoms I've been having since the surgery, followed by domestic terrorism here in America.

We came up with steps to desensitize me to trigger causing problems.

It's been five days since I last had a Xanax. I was able to overcome taking it yesterday. I might be due today. I've been distancing the days one day at a time. I started with three days, then four days, now five days twice. Is it time to try for six days? I'll let you know tomorrow.

After session I met my caseworker, J. I went on a therapy walk with J. to two discount stores looking for black yarn. The first one didn't impress me. The 2nd one had what needed. Yarns, knitting needles, crochet hook, travel size sewing kit. All for less than $8.00.

Group therapy will be starting next month. Once a week. Yay. How to overcome stress and anxiety.