Job club

12.08.15 driving to job club 

I've finished job club. Now I wait to start the TSE program. I've ridden the bus to job club. I drove the car a few times.  I've dressed up daily for job interviews. Through highs and lows I've prayed to GOD for His healing presence. I've documented my anxieties. Both have helped me through my anxieties. Many times when I had trouble crossings a major street I would call my family. I would talk to them while I got the nerve up to cross the street. 

12.09.15

Mini me got excited by me finding a job. This happened during a very cold spell in Cali. Mini me came up behind me and took over my face in the selfie bit was followed by rabbit ears and other photo bombing classics. 

Here is one prayer I would recite. 

11.30.15 dressed up for work, job search and wearing my scapular. In this picture I'm riding the Dash. 

Started off well...ended badly!

1. Took care of business

2. Drove to destination

3. Drove to job club

4. Checked out of job club

5. Lost keys at job club 

6. Doctors office giving me run around

7. Case manager busy

8. Director busy

9. Wrong Doctor! Not my reg Doctor. Substitute Doctor. 

10. Doctor was there yesterday! 

11. Case manager never looked at my file! 

BULLSHIT! Two days without my medication for anxiety panic disorder. Negligence! 

Wish me luck

Wish me luck! Pray for me. Send good wishes and thoughts my way. Thank you. Amen. 

My most ANXUZ moment so far

     Today I took it upon myself to a specific Christian denomination bookstore. It's in a town south of me. Go511 says no way to get there. Mapquest tells me it would take an hour to get there. My iPhone map tells me it's 12 minutes driving distance. Guess what I decided to do!? Because it had to be done quickly, I decided to drive to the gift shop. I did make it there, however, my anxiety was creeping up on me. It did not matter that I had take one dose (0.5mg) of Ativan before driving there. This was my second attempt. My first attempt, yesterday, I got half way there. Or rather, I got eight minutes closer to my target destination. Today I got all the way there, with anxiety, drinking water, and praying to GOD I wouldn't freak out. 

     I entered the store and interacted with the sales associate. In the end I told her I needed her prayers to help me get back home. I told her my situation with anxiety and that it was a miracle I got here. Now I need prayers to get back home. 

     I'm home now. I grounded myself by following along my gps both visual and audio. I also turned on "overdrive" app and listened to my favorite bible story. 

     Rabbit Ears has bible stories on audiobook. The story my library has available was Jonah and The Whale and Joseph and His Brothers. When I'm anxious and trying to calm down I listen to the story. Bible story is a calming influence on me. 

It's after 7:00 PM now. I'm feeling much better now. Now to help my sibling. 

But that's another entry, altogether...

107•F weather and anxiety

Remember our heatwave in Los Angeles recently? Well, here's my take on it. http://youtu.be/10XD35qqqOg

This is one of my early (recent) videos detailing my triggers, emotions and side effects of nervous disorders. 

Jury duty and anxiety

This past week I performed my Vic duty and participated in jury duty. For someone win out a nervous disorder it would be simple to just get out of the house and gob for someone with a nervous disorder plans have to be made. Here is what I did. 

Weeks in advance I planned my trip to the court house. Since my relation wouldn't take me I had to plan to take the bus. I found the app Go511 and downloaded it bits state run. There's even a phone number; 5-1-1. It replaced 1(800)COMMUTE. DONT CALL THAT NUMBER. It's out of service. Call 511. They'll help you plan a trip either by bus or private vehicle by freeway. 

I planned my meals. 

I planned my comfort bag. 

I dressed up professionally as if going to work. 

I saw this as therapy for returning to work. If. I could do this then I should be in my way to job hunting and returning to work. 

I took videos and pictures, and am making small documentaries. You can find them on the YouTube channel CaridaddelasMercedes (Caridad de las Mercedes) you can finding it on Tumblr at PASHENT😬ANXUZ (pashentanxuz). 

I had my prayer books with me. 

I had my charger with me as well. 

Thank you, Lord for keeping me safe. 

Jewish Temple Run Parody

Name changed to PASHENT 😁 ANXUZ™

     I have been trying to think of a new name for my blog. The original name VILLAGE OF THE HOMELESS doesn't fit in with what I'm writing now. Back then it was about living in poverty and the every day struggle to survive. Now it's the every day struggle to live with mental/nervous disorder.  Therefore the new blog name is PASHENT 😁 ANXUZ™. 

      

     I started vlogging as well. I vlog under the name PASHENT 😁 ANXUZ™. The channel I publish it under is CARIDAD DE LAS MERCEDES.  I've vlogged about taking a public bus to a community college. I just finished another vlog about going shopping at a discount store by mysel. 

     "Big deal. I shop by myself all the time."

     Well, I did, too. Until anxiety knocked me off my feet and stole my independence. Now, I'm trying to get it back. 

P. S. 

     Now I need to figure out a new web addy for PASHENT 😁 ANXUZ™

At college by myself

     Yup. I was at college by myself. My clinic told me to do this. They then proceeded to walk me to the door and point out the direction to catch the bus to get here. What did I do by myself? 

1. Walked to bus stop by myself in wide open space. (Trigger)

2. Crossed two major intersections to wait at the bus stop. (trigger)

3. Paid my fair and got on the bus, alone.  

(trigger)

4. Got off the bus and WALKED the Wide  Open campus!(trigger)

5. Talked to A & R. (Felt unfocused). 

6. Sat and rested. Recuperated. 

7. Walked campus back to the bus stop (trigger).

8. Crossed the major intersection to catch the right bus(TRIGGER).

9. Got back on the bus and returned to the clinic. Counselors weren't there! Did see my therapists later in the day. 

     I made a short film and posted it on YouTube. 

Walking

I've been walking D to the institute and back daily! My body is exercise tired! The issue is D has catastrophic thinking about the vehicle, refusing to get in. I'm tired. I've spoken to D's head honchos. 

Back to the institute

It's back to the institute. Prayed a novena to Saint Dymphna to send up my prayers to heal a family member. Family member was self isolating this summer. After 9 days of prayer this relative was able to leave the house and walk to the institute. The first day was a bit nervous. The relative became excited and confident about the new fiscal year for the institute. 

Amen. Thank you Lord, God. 

Menses overstaying

It started last Monday as droplets. Very light. It hasn't stopped and it's Tuesday. Thursday I see the Dr. 

This month has been one big menses. It arrives late. It's short. It leaves only to return later in parts. It comes back and decides to stay an extended period. 

The Health

1 low energy

2 perspiration or sweat 

3 irregular bills

4 stand up and see spots 

5 breathing sometimes shallow 

Menopause? Anxiety? Medication (BP?) 

Please pray for me. 

Left holding the towel

     Yesterday I was left holding the towel at the #usps. How did this happen? Well, I went to check my clothing below my waist at the post office. It was after closing time. No one was there except the security cameras. My one claim to fame!  So, I feel this strange item and take hold of it. I take it out to find its a towel. Embarrassed by this, i looked for a papel towel to wra por un and throw it away. There were no paper towels. There was a trash bin. I rolled up the towel and tossed it in the trash bin. Fortunately, the towel did not have any stains on it. Still I was embarrassed to realize the next day it would be seen by the general public coming in, as well as the employees. 

The change

It seems I'm going through a change. I'm late and lite. Keep this up I can return my purchase at target. 

I'm late

I'm late. Is it age? Is it anxiety? 

No knitting needles allowed

I went to my appointment and forgot the clinc started doing physical checks on everyone. I brought my knitting to work on. The security guard said, "no needles, right?."  I had to leave my. Needle kit with him. I was able to pick it up in the end. Makes it hard to knit a cloche.  Working on 2nd triangle at home now. 

     Started process for D's therapy session for anxiety/panic attacks. 

Hard time sleeping last night

Not once did I get at least 4 hours of straight sleep last night. I went to bed late. My fault. At 4 am the bastard motorcycle rider barreled down our street twice. The rider spooked D. At 5 am D tells me the hunger pains have set in. Ok at that hour it's cereal. At 7am D tells me it's time for real breakfast. Oh and btw, D never fell back to sleep after that jerk rode through our street twice. The motorcycle is loud and heavy. It startled all of us awake!  It set off all the car alarms that were set and sensitive. Whoo whoo whoo!!! The motorcyclist does this often during the day, regularly. Why now at 4am? Jerk!  Can't wait to sleep tonight. 

Cell screen broke

Lovely, my cell phone's screen broke today. Need a new cell. 

My Rx renewal

     I'm about to pick up my bp Rx. The person on the phone today was unknowledgable. The tech couldn't find any previous Rx "let me check the hard copy". I thought T was already doing that. Seriously! 

     Finally got my bp! Switching pharmacies! 

Less isolation more independence

     Today I took the initiative and walked by myself to the far corner. I did this without family. I did it without the family pet. I did it without listening or playing with my handheld electronic. I was able to walk down to the corner and back without any piqued anxiety. Yay! 

Later I walked more with my family. 

Pharmacy

Called clinic. I hace to go in. I new to make an appointment. So, immediately after I called back the pharmacy. I asked if they had an extra Rx in file for my bp. "Yes, we do. Bit it's under a different doctor. We thought it might have been a mistake."  Immediately it was filled out and ready for pick up in an hour. We went to pick it up at 9:45am. Took in a water bottle and drank my Rx then and there. 

     Next, across the street to the uniform store. There we got 3 t-shirts for $10.00. Nice colors, too. Heavy duty. 

Last pill ,need reauthorization & money 😫

     I just love it when u run out of Rx(sarcasm). In this case my bp Rx. They called the dr office and now I need to call tomorrow as well. I shoulda talked to someone at the pharmacy today. I relied on the automated messenger too much. Damn it. 

     Well, I still have my reg bp instead of ER. I could take that tomorrow. 

     We are so low on gas. We put $14 in gas in the truck's tank. We only had 7 miles left until COMPLETELY EMPTY. We didn't dare go further without gassing up. Then we crossed the street and went to the ATM. The gas station, Mobil, cost us $3.49/gal! Usually we go to Arco.  

     My sibling was in the hospital last week. This raises my anxiety a bit. S is out and at home but it was scary to read about the condition. I'm still anxious about the whole thing. Turns out it runs in the family. S is 2nd generation. 

Too many fireworks

Happy Independence Day 

This past week we've had a lot of fireworks go off in our neighborhood. D was freaked out by the illegal ones. D would drop everything and run away! Then the dog would  bark! It would run to the screen door and bark like crazy. Finally, it all got to me yesterday. Today issimply  pt two of anxiety. I had a lot of pent up energy. 

Projects that cause irritation

Your dependent wants to do a project. You and your relation get into a verbal argument about how to go about it and who is responsible. Name calling ensues from under breath but the other party hears it. 

Happy project! 

Emotional day!

Almost got hit by a car! A dark colored sedan pulled out in front of achampagne Cadillac. It made the Cadi veer left go around and then come on toward us. It raced passed us on the passenger side. D was freaked out. R was cursing up a storm. I was quiet for the rest of the day out. Especially when R. was still yelling. 

    Oh, and why were we out? R needed to see the NP for the glucose check up. 

     No money, no gas, a dr appt. far away!  

My Crappy Novel is so crappy!

My crappy novel is so crappy I hereby submit that I have used ideas from other sources. I dunno if it's technically plagiarism. I take a scene and change it to suit my story. Just like a fanfic. I don't plan to make money. I know my story won't sell. Heck!, no one comes to my blog! 

So, I'm sorry for using other writers ideas or concepts. You may message me if you have issues. 

Summer vacation

It's June. Many schools are already out for the year. Others will be out soon. 

This summer I plan to swim at the pool again. It was great exercise. I lost 10 lbs. I kept cool during extreme heat waves. 

What will you do when your program ends for the fiscal year? I'm reviewing that with my case worker. 

Outreach overnight help line

Like life alert but  cheaper! 

L. A. Warmline is available 7 nights a week. 

•lonely

•addiction

•confusion

•mental health issues 

•need information on mental health care

The call is toll free (855) 952-WARM 

•10:00 PM - 6:00 AM. 

Los Angeles county 

Drills drill drills

Yesterday it was a drill at D's institution. Today it's a drill at the clinic. The institution had the real thing. Someone left a laminator on. The plastic over heated and smoked, causing a fire drill. I smelled it from the beginning. Today's drill is a simple emergency fire drill. At least that's what they say. 

     Glad I waited to finally post this. My group had been cancelled today! I didn't even need to come in!!! I went straight home when the bus came to pick me up. I told my relation that it was cancelled due to fire drill. Now I know and realize once a month they cancel their sessions.  

Summer is almost here!

     D. is almost out of the institute for the season! Yes! Maybe we can all rest our nerves then. 

     I, myself, need to do major clean up and de-cluttering. 

Stress and anxiety

     This past week D felt social-emotional anxiety over choking while eating. D's food intake dwindled. D would cry at every meal and snack. D had a very bad week. I've been volunteering, especially near or in D's room. 

6.11.15

     The last two days has seen a great improvement. D seems to have overcome the anxiety. What else did D get over?: nose blowing. Everyday we spray nasal spray up the nose then D blows the nose. Chunks if mucus came out. D was able to breath regular again. It was this issue that brought on her original anxiety. I, myself went through dry nasal passage trigger anxiety. Told D what to do daily. Previously, helped R with that, too. 

     D has been eating a regular caloric intake now. Yesterday D wolfed down lunch and dinner. Today D ate full meals, as well. Panic-anxiety has subsided. Still nasally. 

Resting today

Today I am resting. 29 days passed. It's good that I rest. I was soo tired yesterday at the onset(...). 

Yesterday D. was able to enjoy water day at the establishment. One kiddie pool was out. A hose with running water was placed in it. Every participant was able to suction water from the pool and wet someone else. 

Later in the afternoon there was a parent/dependent party. D and I went and enjoyed our time there. Plans were made with two other families for get togethers at the park. One if the other dependents wanted to get together at the house. That's too much, instead, I counter offered the park. It was accepted. 

     I slept quite a bit today. That's what happens every 28 days. In wiped out. 

Scary news

Today I got the news my parent was in the hospital two days ago! My emotional response? I became a bit nervous and emotional. That was to be expected. I had to take my Ativan soon after the call from my other parent. 

My relation, R, stated it was expected a few more years of anxiety on my part due to the news on my parent's ER visit. 

My parent is out if the hospital. A new trial Rx had been given for a gland. My parent took on EVERY SYMPTON noted. 

I never did get the text or email from my lateral relative. Instead, I got a text about reversing diabetes.  I would've been late to a wake in this case!  

I understand wanting to protect me. I still need to be told something within the time constraints. Maybe at the end of the day tell me our parent is at home resting after having taken a medicine that lowered the blood pressure and dehydrated the body. See that. I skipped the anxiety, but was informed after the fact. Two days later with an almost accusatory call from the other parent is not the way to go. A follow up soon after the text, email, or voicemail would've been appropriate. 

FOLLOW UP

SMARTPHONES SUCK!! The iMessages was turned off. 

Body recuperating

My body is STILL RECUPERATING from the anxiety I went through this past month. Major physical symptoms of side effects. My mid-section feels tight if I sit too long at the computer. It hurts. I notice it happens after I tried to get out of bed a certain way; like crunches. I took Tylenol to alleviate the physical pain. The hyperventilation wasn't and isn't fun. I'm purposely doing deep breathing from the diaphragm. That helps. 

So two weeks ago I took Tylenol. Them I got a head/chest cold. I took coricidin _ _. I was sickest on Mother's Day. I slept 11 hours. While taking coricidin my guts didn't hurt. When I got off the medicine the pain came back. Do I have a hernia? 

First Holy Communion

This weekend my dependent took first Holy Communion. D. took a group pic with classmates. Photographer was A.'s Cam. The reception was held at a great Italian restaurant (ESM). It was expensive!  $100 above what R. thought it would be. 

During down time of preparing for pics a black cat streaked out from the rectory and ran across all of us on the church grounds. It almost crashed into me! Everyone laughed and commented on THE BLACK CAT. During pictures the wind kicked in. All the girls  looked like THE FLYING NUN! Veils were blown in front of faces, to the sides, etc...it was hysterical! Sally Field would have been so proud. 

I was nervous. D was nervous.

---------------------•-------------------------•--------------------•---------------------•

 R, after two years of not participating in this religious rite, walks D. down the aisle with me. "Well, (D.) is my (child).  

 It took me a while but I finally realized what I was feeling about that. "Resentment". How dare you not lift a finger because of your beliefs, but now that the job is done you're going to walk D down the aisle with me, as if you've been taking D. to class all this time. The person I made friends with at Sunday school has/had the same issue with life partner. Never got an update from my friend, L. about the life partner's behavior and role. 

Panic

Well I had a panic attack today. A physical feeling led to a thought which led to a feeling leading to the panic attack. T-E-D. What'd I do? Wash my face and hands. Finally contact my parents...AGAIN! Made and drank tea. Went to the "outhouse" again. Felt better later. Told R how I felt and what I was doing to nip it in the bud. 

Blackmail

Told R to knock it off with emotional blackmail. Can't have things both ways. It may have worked before but not now. (Blows BIG RASPBERRY!!!)

Universal life church

Yesterday my R became an ordained minister online! Really the Jedi  Master was the chosen one. Apparently You dont need to sign up for that one. So, now, weddings, funerals and baptisms can be performed. R never took a class! 

Improving my situation

Today I noticed how repetitive rote motion caused me to hyperventilate. It caused me anxiety leading to onset of a panic attack. I took an Ativan. When I got home I took another one. My dose for the day. It's for that reason I try to sparse out my dosage. Today I decided to take it at the onset of severe panic attack. I'm feeling  better because of that decision. I will see how tonight goes. I usually worry that the dosage wears off early.

I did walk a mile with my family. That should help  keeping calm. In fact I considered walking the dog when I got home. I ended up napping instead. 

Panic at home

It's tax day. The tax man cometh. We haven't done it yet. Gonna file our taxes ourselves for free. Really not much to declare except the retirement cashed out and he taxes paid on it. 

I helped the teacher in class. Ten relation and I went to the store to buy groceries. We been on edge lately. I'm not happy with R's classy ways. Told me to put the bags away. I rolled my eyes. R got pissy and told me to just go sit in the car. This past week I didn't get any help nor ask any help from R. in regards to shopping. R would rather nap or play video games. So the last few days I've been getting crap about where the money went. How did we spend it so fast? R. just keeps making snide remarks like it's funny or irrelevant. Shot!  no-do. Love my auto correct. Try to curse and it has censored me! 

Anyway moving on. Now to do taxes. "What income?" Says R. My retirement that was cashed out. R originally didn't honk we had o do taxes. Now R wants to do taxes. I've been wanting to do them all along. 

Now at home I ate honey chicken bite jerky at almonds. Then I ha a Major anxiety attack. I stated it out loud as my relations all kept saying crap today. "Your taxes." "The uniform." "The money." KMFA. So R's relative says too many things for you to do today. Which I reaffirm, "yes, I do have too many things to do today.!"  I took 1.0 mg Ativan. I was hyper ventilating. That was my physical symptom of panic. I could feel my lungs restricting. I couldn't focus. Something R kept saying to me in a certain mood. It was the truth. I couldn't focus because I wasn't breathing well. 

But my biggest complaint is the judgement from everyone. My relation. R's relative. Our dependent! "Do I have to take a bath today? Why didn't you make me take one yesterday? Hmmm?" Just like R. 

Never fails SHOT! dropped us off. Took money from my wallet ("I don't need it.") and left to buy chew. R's relations can pay for that shot! R has the car. I'm outside waiting until it's time to start. Thirsty. 

Anxiety

I'm suffering anxiety today. Symptoms? Stemming from rapid heart. Took an Ativan .5 mg. waiting it out before I take .5 mg again. This all started yesterday when I took mini me to Michael's to get resources for social studies project. Well my dependent was a snot and raised my BP there. I ended up laying down to nap and lower my BP at home. D apologized to me. I emailed my relation. Told R next time R MUST COME. No excuses. R is the co-parent and has responsibilities. Talked at home about it too. 

Typing this out feels good. Felt better.

 

I think the project is casing me anxiety. It's not even my project!   

It took an hour to feel settled. At park now. Paid rent. No money left. 

Social studies project

http://www.native-languages.org/breechcloth.htm 

My version of the breech cloth. Studying the Miwok tribe. Of course I wouldn't step out like this in real life or do anything or say anything to insult my Native American cousins. However, when we saw the directions of how they made breech cloth with a belt and cloth I had to try it out to understand it.  Obviously I wasn't in a position to go out and get the raw materials to make a breech cloth, so I used what I had in my closet instead.  This is my long Fall scarf used as a loincloth. My star spangled scarf is used as a belt. The Fall scarf is so long it fits around my Very Large frame as a sarong. Lol. Must lose weight. 

Doctor visit

Went to the doctor. I saw a new dr. The previous one is going on family leave. Congrats dr. and family. The new dr made same mistake as another sub dr. b4. Prescribed verapamil sr not er. Crap! Fortunately, my Rx had been called in b4. It was accepted and went in byy clinics pharmacy in original form. They pulled that one out of the file and filled it. Now to call the office again. 

Easter/Passover

Enjoy your holiday. Happy Easter. Happy Passover. God bless you all. 

Appointment day/ Us Time

     Today my relation saw the dr., cnp, cde. So far do good. It is type II diabetes. We will be doing a family movement to lose weight. Only one in the house that's skinny is mini me. Even the pet is fat! 

     I drove us to and from the appointment in the next town. We got home I ate breakfast (Special K). I started hyperventilating. Eventually I took all my meds early today. FUN! I took a nap with the pet and relation next to me. I used broken puppy as my pillow comfort. 

     Eventually our pet left the room. We aimed for Us time. The pet came back into the room and just looked at us as if to say, "can I join you? Can I come up? Pick me up please."  That last look came when it stood on it's hind legs and looked at us. It was sent out of the room. This time, the door was closed completely. Our Us time complete. 

During Us time we made jokes about a phrase stated repeatedly years ago when mini me was little. "Don't be making any babies in there!" Yes we got that a lot! 

Field trip

Big day today. Saw my parents. Went shopping with them. Got an outfit for a special occasion. My parents brought my outfit that I wore on my special occasion. I plan to let mini me wear mine if it fits. 

Tomorrow my relation sees the specialist dr. I'm going with... Pray for the best. 

I'm glad I saw my parents today. I had to tell them to back off when I was giving my relative's spouse directions to a warehouse store at the mall. One parental unit was already anxious. I could tell. I told everyone to relax, take a deep breath and slowly let it out; in-law had a good chuckle at that. 

Since last I posted...

Since last I posted my family and I have gone through some changes. My relation has a new health issue that requires daily maintenance. Yes, Type II. We will know for sure in April after seeing the specialist.  I, myself, have had my medicine changed. I am OFF the Xanax and on Ativan now. That was fun! What a month! I kept getting angry at any given moment. My bill was horrendous! I realized what was happening and told relation to just run away from me. When I finished paying my bill, R asked me "how was that last week?"  Hardy har har! 

I've changed facilities for mental health now due to Calworks. I go to group therapy. I see both the counselor and psychiatrist. The counselor I see every two weeks. The psychiatrist I see once a month. Both are on vacation now for a full month. I see my group ppl weekly.