Heat wave!

MY GOD IT'S HOT. OPPRESSIVELY SO! At the mall searching for a/c. The mall is too full to feel it. I'm in a stall at forever 21. Now I feel the air. Good. 

DANG IT'S HOT! 

SHIT!! It's only 88•F! MoFo! 

This is my blog and I'll curse I I want to! Tomorrow it'll be worse. 

Morning after the panic

This morning I got up well sedated. I ended up napping on and off until mid day. Now I'm outside with my dependent. Working on my craft. Playing with my iPhone apps as well. 

Super tachy heart beat last night

I had a scary night last night. I woke up to a very fast heart rate. It scared the shit out if me. I haven't had that in a long while!  As I walked to the kitchen to get my med I was still breathing normally but my heart started pounding harder and faster. My hands started trembling. At one point I could hear my heart valves open close open close open close in my ear drums!  I took .5 Xanax but it didn't have an immediate effect. I then took another .5 Xanax; 1.0 Xanax total. I woke up my relation and requested help. R got up grumpily and met me in the bathroom. By then I had removed my top and placed a wet towel on my chest. R rubbed my back while we held hands. R went in to tell me there was nothing wrong with me. That R has been off the Rx  for weeks now with no ill effects. GOODY FOR R! I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to get better. This all happened at 1:00 AM!  

As I left the bathroom I texted my cousins

"g'nite" to see who was up. They both wished me good night. My older one I talked to the longest. The younger one said was lonely and missed us. I feel ya cuz. Not easy taking care of a disabled parent when you're an only child. 

My older cousin and I played three games on tango then I said good night and went to bed. Good cousin. C followed up to see how I was doing. "Better" I said. "Good" C said. 

Could not go

This is the third get together that I missed with my coworkers. Today is the graduation of a coworker's son. I could not go because if transportation issues. Last two times the same. Sucks out loud!

Day seven

Seven days ending and now I have to take Xanax. Well, I'm expanding the days. 

No Xanax so far

No Xanax since the last time I posted. Today makes day four.    Aiming for day five. 

Yesterday I worked on the doll dress. I had to stop because I couldn't find the snap on buttons. I have sewed up the seams front and back in the shoulders and the slit. I have NOT done the hem on the sides until the buttons are sewn on. I now understand WHY the back gets more room than the front. I mean, I've always understood for the behind, but sewing a new pice of clothing has enlightened me. 

The doll dress is NOT Louis Vuitton, Alfani, or Calvin Klein. It's not even Barbie  couture. However my straps, Crappy as they are, won't rip off or fall apart in two play dates.  

Today I finger knitted a two yarn boa for my dependent. I finished it in 30 minutes.  I used two different types of yarn. One was straight thin yarn and the other was NOT. They look like feathers. Both yarns are of mixed materials. Acrylic. Is in both. 

I decided to make it today after I spoke to an extended family member yesterday.  That person explained how the two textured scarf was made. 

Yesterday I waited too long to eat. Apparently that's a trigger. I hyperventilated. My body was conserving energy. I bought an apple w caramel dip. I burned right through the 130 calories!  

We finally got lunch. After I ate I was better. 

.5 Xanax on 6-10-13

I forgot to mention that I was able to go 7 days without a Xanax before I had to take  it. I'm getting slack in recording my intake. I shouldn't do that. The lexapro is a daily non-habit forming Rx. Xanax IS habit forming. I want to avoid that habit. This past Monday, 06-10-13, I took the .5 Xanax. Before I took it I did try and look up the last dosage for Xanax. I could not find it in any if my calendars or diaries. 

Two projects at once

Knitting soothes the soul.

I've been knitting s new scarf again. Been working on it a few days now. 

What a day!

Thursday and Friday were emotional days for me. Got into a fight with my relation. I wrote sinvergüenza cabrón and R. wrote bitch. There was a verbal fight before the written fight. I wrote in my journal in pencil. R. came up to me outside and asked me what I wrote. I said,"sinvergüenza cabrón" "what does it say?" I repeated my statement. Finally R. demanded to know the translation. I told R. IlIt means "shameless goat". That's when R wrote bitch in my journal in pen. I told R I had written in pencil! R didn't care and continues to write in pen. A PERMANENT mark. Bastard! 

It left a negative impression on me entering therapy. I was not happy at all. Tears came down my face. I eventually was able to have a one on one with my therapist. 

I decided to remove the page in front of my relation instead of with my therapist. That way R could see I was over the situation. When I did do this R said I shouldn't take out the page. I still needed the other dates in the page. Also that I should remember my errors. That pissed me off. R usually says something like that being serious and playful at the same time. R said I need to be nicer. R needs to be nicer too. Words are too sharp. 

What a day

What a day... Shopped at goodwill. Found a short piece of burlap fabric for 49¢. I checked the classes at park ad recreation and noted them in the calendar. 

I had to take .5 Xanax today. Wasn't feeling well at all. 

My cycle is off

This month of may my cycle came two weeks apart! SAY WHAT? WHY? Why is it only two weeks this time? I'm not old enough for the change yet! Any suggestions? I'm 43 and I have fibroids in my uterus. It's a big cluster that grew as my pregnancy grew. I know I've reached the age where it's just about time to have them removed. Scary concept, right? Take the fatty deposit and cysts out of my breasts, as well. 

3:30pm. I feel not so good with my period. I need to buy more Tylenol. We ran out.  My relation said we could go tomorrow to get my rx. LOVELY! When it suits my relation! Gimme a break. 

7:35pm. Spoke to my elder relatives today. They demanded my attention on the phone. I explained I was focused on MY dependent relative. Then further in the conversation my elder relative wants to know when I'll be visiting. This month it'll be for Father's Day. We can only afford gas for once a month. I was accused of going to various places and not visiting them. I reminded my beloved elder relative that I don't go places anymore. I only go to the clinic now. My behavior has changed dramatically since last year! One thing I do not allow anymore is to be pigeonholed for something I did not or cannot do. Last month was a party for a great elder. We all went that day to celebrate 90 years of life. We don't go there every day, week or month. We go there on SPECIAL occassions. That's it. My family KNOWS that because of my anxiety/panic attacks I lost my independence. Thanksgiving was held at home. Christmas? Forget it! That required a Xanax! It wasn't easy traveling to ANOTHER COUNTY when the RX you're taking wreaks havoc on your system.  I've been journaling this for a bit over a year now. But only recently did I start blogging about it. 

Bye for now. 

Crap the triggers

I'm sitting in the bathroom keeping cool and calm. I had a wet wash cloth on my chest then on my back. Try as I might I could not rest while laying in bed tonight. 

I took the dog out for a short walk. We went two houses down, in the dark, alone. I told the dog there would be no long walk tonight. I felt a tightening in the left  side of my chest which I recognized as anxiety. I turn the dog around and we headed home. It took me a while to feel safe. I was walking him back home saying "it's not that long a walk. I'm fine." Then I remember; my cell is in the house charging. That's ok. I know I'm not far from home. Still the left side of my chest was tighter. 

 

Now that I wrote this out my left side is looser. I feel better. It's still warm! Doc told be to get ready because there's going to be a lot of heat this weekend. I have to agree. I told doc heat us one if my triggers. I also told doc about my cycle being a trigger as well. 

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Well I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. Every two hours I was awakened by my family. I'm suffering the effects now. I keep closing my eyes with my finger on the phone. You won't believe who I've complained about just holding down the space bar! Oops. I'm trying to rest now. 

I've discovered the many typos from last night. Hopefully I've corrected them all by now. I will be taking a nap later today. So far I've taken half a lexapro to deal with the side effects of my cycle, bad news, and sleep deprivation.