Relax it's just the weather and your period!

Ugh I got a double trigger whammy. I got my cycle a week early. Oh joy! I also got a mini heat wave going on. Summer's gonna be REAL fun! I'm sitting in the coolest part if the house with a damp wash cloth on my belly to help cool me down. 30 minutes ago I took half a lexapro. Not Xanax, lexapro. Tonight ill take the other half. 

I saw Doc today. Reviewed my rxs and my recuperation. I made a new friend today. This person knows how to knit. Yay! We both had our bags of yarn, hooks and needles. We sat talking about crafting as we waited to see our doctors. 

We had group session this week. The case mgr did a good job facilitating. We took a walk around the block. We have a new member. Seems to be a good mix in the group. 

This week's session the crafting was on knitting. I taught the ladies how to start a loom knit for beanie hats. I explained that thick yarn is needed to produce a viable hat. I told them that today's lesson was to enjoy the process of making a beanie hat. The product was not going to look right because its the wrong yarn. 

I also let them know some of the errors that they might find because they're still learning. I told them that I had only learned myself a few weeks ago. They looked at me in surprise. 

I made sure to model the appropriate loom knitting to every lady in the group. The activity lead to open communication. We all smiled and giggled. On occasion there was frustration as we discovered yarns were too tight, or wrapped the wrong way. We plan to have a crafting group once a week as part of our socialization goals. 

I received a $5.00 gas card. They want the card and receipt returned. I knew about the card, just not about the receipt. Oh well. Receipt and card it is. 

Day six time to take Xanax

So I was able to go five days without Xanax. I just took the .5 Xanax now lunch hour. It started about an hour ago with a familiar tightening in my chest. It's the scary tightening. It started on my right side. It just now moved to the middle. I wasn't planning to wait for the left side.

However I did try to mitigate it. I walked around the block w my family and dog. I took the 2nd 1/2 of my bp pill.  I sewed patches on my patchwork quilt (non-polished). 

Personally familiar

Someone drew this picture of Sherlock Holmes as a child being bullied. I looked at it and thought "this looks familiar". It is PERSONALLY familiar to me as my classmates did this to me every Monday through Friday for 12 years of my life! What's the difference? Sherlock was ostracized for his anti-social hyper aware abilities. I was ostracized because of my race/ethnicity. 

I was called the N-word, a communis(not true, pro-democracy), wiggy(because my mom wears a wig), moose head(see before, hated YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISIONS  nickname), bush woman(thanks to a social studies lesson), freak, he-man (cuz I had to defend myself physically). I was pushed, shoved, and punched. 👐👊👇✋ They tried to beat me up butI fought back. I wasn't an easy target for physical abuse. 👊

I took a lot of shit growing up. I was able to separate home life from school life. I told myself after high school I never had to see them again. 

At my ten year reunion I went with a date. He was ten years older than me, from the same home country, but separated from his partner and babies momma. 

I went to my reunion, excited to see my old school mates. WHY? I still wanted to be accepted, that's why. Well people mingled and never stayed in a group. Eventually they would join their clique. I didn't have any friends in my grade. My best friend from high school graduated a year ahead of me. So, she wasn't there. I was embarrassed in front of my date. He asked me if my friends were present. I told him the truth. I didn't have friends in my class. 

I saw a man who I had known since elementary. I went up to talk to him. He was genuinely happy to see me. He had been worried about me. He was glad to see me alive and well. He didn't know how I had survived THE SHIT they had put me through. He thought I was a prime risk for self-permanent, damage. I don't want to use the S-word. It's so ugly and terrible. 

Bullying hurts. It hurts emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually. There are all types of bullying and abuse. 

How did it leave me? 

1. I never thought I could be a leader; only a follower who takes orders. Who would follow me?

2. I didn't want children. If even the younger children, and my sibling would gang up on me I didn't need it in my house from my own children. 

3. I was a LONER. I didn't have friends at school. I only had classmates. My siblings had friends. They were all smart and in the in-crowd. Not me. I would finally get a friend my junior year. 

4. I walked with my head down. I never looked forward. I had no self-esteem!

5. I never asked directly to pair up with anyone in class because I felt no one wanted me as a friend. Everyone paired up with someone else. I always ended up either alone or with the teacher. 

6.  When I talk about this to my original nuclear family they pounce on me. I used to come home on occasion and tell my mom the other kids don't like me. They hated me. 

7. I am socially awkward. I am a nerd, an ugly duckling. Period. That's it. That's not going to change any time soon. I can only try to hold my tongue and not jump into other people's business. 

8.  I take things personally. I can't help it. 

9.  I suffer anxiety and panic attacks. 

What's changed? 

1. I'm married with one child. 

2. I am a leader. I found my self-esteem. Anyone tries to crap on me either I tell them off or I walk away from them. I decide who's in my circle of influence.  

3. I do not allow bullying. Not from within, of without. I never allowed cliques or bullies to get a stronghold in my classroom. 

4. I actually walk head up and ahead now. I don't hide anymore. Even if I am overweight now. 

5. I don't talk to my family about bullying anymore. They don't even know about this blog. If they did they'd never let me hear the end of it. I'd get phone calls daily. "Why did you put that on your blog? Take they down.  You want the neighbors to see?"  I did get my sibling to apologize to me on one occasion. 

6.  I like speaking up now. My coworkers always get me to speak up for the group.  I don't mind because I like to show off.  I like getting applauses. 

7. Because I was a loner and did everything on my own, my mistakes are mine and no one else's. no one influenced me negatively to drink or do drugs. I waited until I believed my baggage of the time was dealt with before I got involved with my spouse. 

Now I have new issues. If I didn't it wouldn't be living in society. As our therapist said, "you don't reach 40 without having baggage."  

EVERYONE HAS BAGGAGE. 

Christopher Titus trusts people with Crappy life growing up because they know how to handle a situation.  Someone from a perfect upbringing won't know what to do the first time they get a challenge. They'll roll up into a ball and freak out. 

Bye for now. 

Patchwork

Today I bought a book on strip patchwork quilting. I looked at a few pictures and decided to utilize an unused pant leg, two strips from two different cloths I bought to make doll clothes. I enjoyed the process of my unpolished and unfinished patchwork overlay. 

Yesterday I saw a video on youtube of The great drapo. He can make dresses out of bolts of cloth material without sewing. It was great! I loved it. I could attempt something with the Barbie dolls. 

Add link here...

the great drapo.

 http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zcTykuBQVQI

I found old clothes for a quilt!

I found older and smaller size shirts for my relative that I can cut up and turn in to quilt strips. Yay! They're nice and thick because they're from Land's End. 

Dealing with anxiety today

It's not too bad. I knew today I was going to have to take Xanax again. I did. I took .5 Xanax after waking up in a panic. The symptoms were there I simply waited unto I couldn't control them any longer. I'm sitting outside with my sewing/knitting kit and my dog. My relation is in bed with an injured back. It was injured exiting the car last night at 7-11. Oh and it was "SO MUCH FUN" discovering the reefer addicts had parked next to us. NOT! Cops need to go to the parking lot again. Get the junkies out of there. Could've been arrested for DUI/DWI. 

This past week Oklahoma has had to deal with their own external anxieties. An EF-5 swooped in and devastated Shawnee,OK. A school destroyed. 51 people dead; it was later lowered to 24. Many were children. A teacher lay across 6 children to anchor them down. She saved their lives. Obviously lower grade. I was napping on the couch when the tv suddenly launched into he live broadcast. It had been going on for some time. Well, of course I woke up with some anxiety. I mitigated it by leaving the room and doing other projects. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and hands, and started knitting and sewing. I sewed a dress for a doll. Still working on that knitting project. 

Later today I focused on my next project. After I took that ,5 Xanax I gathered my crafting bag and went outside to the backyard.  There I loomed a bit. I reorganized my bags of yarns and cloth so it wouldn't be so messy. I started thinking about what I could do with the legs of the pants I cut off. I put out the question on two different social medias. I got some interesting responses. 

1. A pillow case for the chair

2. A quilt or cut into strips for a quilt 

3. A denim skirt for my relative, not relation. 

Well I started thinking about the quilt. First I sketched a design. Hen I took it to the next step by coordinating color patterns from construction paper.  "Why?", you ask? Because I've never done a quilt before. I don't have the right cloth to make a quilt. And the ones I do have I'm not cutting up yet to butcher unless I have practice or direction. 

Designs I thought about...

1. Pinwheel

2. Braid design

3. 1234,2341,3412,4123 pattern 

4. 

Walking group

I went walking today. Felt good. I seem to be doing better walking now than when I first started. I felt calm and vibrant (but not manic). Sleep finally kicked in towards the end of tutoring today. I crashed on the sofa. I took 1/2 Lexapro to balance me out because of the exhaustion. 

Tomorrow I'm due to take my next dose if Xanax. It's been 4.5 days since my last dosage. 

Drs visit

Two says ago the clinic called me to remind me of my appt. yesterday. Yesterday I went to the appt. the dr reviewed what I already knew from the radiologist/dr at DBC. He then proceeded to tell me that the standard procedure is to have the patient follow up with a specialist. He's referring me to a specialist at a hospital. 

My belief it'll be a biopsy. This time they can remove the whole thing. Thank you very much. 

Sewing a dress for doll.

Yesterday I spent my time organizing my crafting bagS. I knitted a few pieces on the looms. Last night I started seeing a halter dress for a doll. It was interesting. Just when I got in a rhythm the thread comes off the needle. Three times it happened!  Now this harvest cloth I'm using I got at Joann's Fabric red tag sale.  I got it with the purpose of sewing a dress for a doll. The pictures shown here is the strap for the dress. It has half of the snap on button.  The other half of the button will go on the dress. I'm trying to adjust the dress to fit the doll nicely. 

Group therapy

Before group therapy today my group went on a walking therapy. We all suffer from some diet of generalized anxiety and agoraphobia. Imagine to our surprise when the block wasn't straight but zig saggy. We got to a point .4 miles later and couldn't figure out if the next street was a dead end. We hadn't even gotten there and we were deciding whether or not to up back the way we came. I took out my phone and used the gps map. Unfortunately I didn't focus the direction. It looked like we would go forward turn right the make three left turns. People wanted to turn back at that point. So, I turned on the focus and realized, hey go straight and then make three left turns. We had a discussion and we decided to go forward. 

So as our case manager stated, we "went on a walk, meet problems head on, and problem solved",  while using the safe coping skills being taught. 

Next week we will learn to knit. I plan to help.  

The Heat

Ever since the heat came in I've been noticing an uncomfortableness between my shoulders. Like a tension. Monday I went for a walk and upon my return had to take a shower to cool down. The left breast has a tension in it as well. I fear a repeat major episode. 

I'm able to walk 4/5 of the way at my pace before I have to stop. I'm literally st the parking lot pillars when the need to stop comes on me. It's just winded tiredness from walking. What scares me is the rapid heart. Now steady paced walking is supposed to increase the heart rate, normally. That's ok. But I've had repeat supertachy heart rates where I've had to take Xanax. Not. Big fan of that symptom. 

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day. Saturday we celebrated great grandma's 90th bday. Sunday we celebrated Mother's Day at my parents house. Both days I made a beanie hat and gave it as a gift to  both ladies. Nonny got a red hat. Abuela got a blue hat. 

Later we went to the park where there was a fiesta going on. 

I didn't take a Xanax until the middle of the night. 

Sew/knit items

My family and I went to china mart today to find the teams of cloth hey advertised as $1-$2/yard. They weren't out. The person who knew about it was out for the day. I called the store back later that night (they are open 24hrs they said) but no one answered the phone.

I did find cute china made baubles, buttons, etc... To decorate my sewing projects with. I enjoyed buying the decorative items.

Therapy

This week I walked three times with a group, I attempted an interview to volunteer at a local library. I realized I had left my medicine at home. Unfortunately I started getting anxious about not having it. My relation left me at the library and went home!  Told R. to come get me and bring my medicine. Yes the box of pills. 

We had words on the way home and at home!

While I was waiting for him I tried calling my family. No one was home. No one answered. My case manager wasn't available. Then I said "screw it, someone's at the clinic." I called and spoke to the front office. I told them I was having a panic attack and who I was a patient of. They passed me to the Doc. Doc reminded me that everything was on its way to me. I reminded myself that my heart wasn't racing that badly. I tried to breathe deeply from the diaphragm, as well. Sorry Doc, I had no paper bag.  I did use the reaching out for help homework on this one; that's for sure. 

The next day was group therapy. It turns out I am not the only one to panic when the medicine is not on ones self. 

Topic for this week was grounding oneself to limit the pain from trauma. There are three types of grounding: mental, physical, spiritual.  

The quote starting the session was "this feeling is not forever"

During therapy we discussed starting a walking group. I'm for it if I can get someone to stay walking next to me. I was left in the dust the third day of walking. The ladies are lighter in weight and can walk faster. I was forgotten. Lovely.   

I had to take a .5 Xanax today. 

Testing My Resolve

Today my family member jumped on me about my results from the sonogram. I told FM I had to go. I told FM that the results would not be in yet. It would take a week. FM had a specialist to lean on and ask questions. FM is simply making me anxious. 

My relation wasn't easy either.  I have been walking these past three days. Last two days in am after dropping off relative.  I walk around the block, which is a mile, and call said relation to pick me up. Relation told me that the walk has to be 30 minutes otherwise its not worth the turn around. Relation said I would either drive or walk our relative to destination. Well my relation picked me up and we went home. 

Walking club and sew/knit hobbies

Today I walked again with my walking buddy (WB). This time we went around the block at school. That walk is one mile. We tried to go a 2nd time, but my body just wasn't up for it. After all it was a mile!!!

The thing is when we started a 2nd lap I got as far as the 1st 1/4 of the block. I told my WB that I couldn't finish the 3/4 lap. I thought I could, but my body stated differently, convincingly (light headed, motion sensitive). I called to be picked up. My ride picked me up and we went home. 

Between yesterday and today we accepted 43 members!!  

many stated they would join the walk this week. 😄😀 let's see what happens. 

I went to get my blood pressure rx from the pharmacy. They had me worried because I couldn't get it refilled on time. I had called it in last week on Saturday. They said I didn't have any refills and needed a doctor's rx to refill again. They would contact the Dr. on Monday and it should be ready Wednesday; today. Well, I had called; nothing. So I played operator between the pharmacy and the clinic. 

I called the pharmacy. They're still waiting. I called the clinic. Apparently the head Dr, the one who signed off on my rx, is only there once a week. That day already passed. Dammit! Front office nurse put me on hold to see what could be done. She passed me to the back office. I spoke to the person in charge of dispensing the medicine there. She said the pharmacy needs to speak to her directly since the doctor wasn't in. I called to tell the pharmacy and told them to speak directly to the head of dispensary.   I asked if they would call within the next ten minutes as I really needed my blood pressure medicine today. I started getting nervous. I looked in my old pill bottles looking for a lone BP rx. I found 1/2 and 1/4 pills in a bottle. I took the 1/2 pill. 

Then I went back to pushing for my rx again. One hour later I called again, after being reminded, to check on my rx. I was told by a technician in the pharmacy that they had left a message.  I called the clinic, myself, and asked to speak to the back office/dispensary. She did not get the message. I gave her the pharmacy number. She said she would call them. Within an hour the pharmacy automated called me back. The rx was finally ready to pick up. 

Right after the pharmacy we went to the discount store, G. There I found various sewing and knitting accessories to pass the time. I got two trim up packets, two yarns, size 18 doll pattern, and needle point embroidery kit.  Can't wait to try them. 

I also bought a silk scarf. It was, unfortunately, G clean which is NOT clean. They don't clean anything! At all!!  I had to wash that scarf multiple times. The first time I put it in the sink to hand wash the water turned BLACK! and as many times I washed it it still smelled! Finally I hung it outside to dry. I plan to let it soar in the wind for two days but already I could tell that nature is correcting a man made mistake. 

Walking Club

I co-started a walking club yesterday with a fellow parent at the school. The walking Club was her idea. We met at the park. All three generations of us. We moms walked once around the park while the gmas watched the kids at play. I had a great time and enjoyed meeting a new friend. 

We want to expand the group from just us two to more. The nice thing I noticed about the .5 mile walk was the feeling of calm and tiredness I haven't felt in a long time. We're walking again tomorrow if there's no rain. 

I fell asleep early tonight and woke up at 2am. I had to take my Rx still. 

Mammogram follow up

Today I had a follow up to my mammogram. The technician told me the doctor wanted two more X-rays on the left boob. She positioned me on he torture chamber then proceeded to lift me off the floor(j/k). The second torturous event I kindly asked her to hurry the *{^~' up. She finished the X-ray and quickly released me. I massaged my left booby. Poor deflated thing. Then I followed the technician to the back room for the sonogram. Here is where I finally met Dr. Z. 

She performed the sonogram on me. She said it looked like a fatty deposit. Next step is a follow-up, check up in six months. They'll measure it again. If its bigger then they'll remove it. If it stays the same then it stays. Then two years later its considered benign as long as it doesn't grow. Well, I'm relieved. 

IN OTHER NEWS

Today I started a walking club. We walked 1.22 miles today. We're repeating again regularly during the week. We have s closed group on a social media. People have to be either invited or request to join. They have to be a mom at the school. No soliciting either. 

Sewing projects.

After making the cinch pouch I found myself with extra energy. I decided, after a while, to spend that energy a good way by pursuing another project. I went to the bedroom and found an old ripped up pair of jeans. I took the jeans and an old pair of pajamas to the computer table. I sat there for a bit with big scissors at hand visualizing the project I wanted to do.

I aimed the scissors at the right isn't leg and started cutting. After cutting the right pant leg; unevenly apparently, I cut the left leg more evenly. 

TO BE CONTINUED   

Cinch Pouch

Today I finished a cinch pouch I've been working on for a few days. I took a cut off leg pant and sewed the bottom right above the cuff. Then the other narrower side I sewed a low hem. Next I took a safety pin to a yarn and let my m-i-l pull it threw the low hem. Finally I cinched it to close it. Next up decorating it.

Therapy by the group

This week I started my therapy on managing stress anxiety and depression. It was a good session. I made new friends and realized in my group I'm not the only one with anxiety.

The rules of A.A. style sessions applies. What is said in session stays in session. You don't have to share if you don't want to. Respect the person talking. Enjoy art journaling. Its not the Product but the PROCESS of the journey(art). I loved the art journaling. I showed my dependent.

This person enjoyed art journaling as well.
It was needed as this person had overheated at lunch time. I ended up cooling said person down in the bathtub.

Home alone again

Yesterday I was left home alone with my dependent. Today it's the same thing. Why do I feel more nervous about bit now? I don't know. I'm doing my breathing techniques.

Yesterday I talked to my mom on the phone. I'll contact someone again today. Part of the reaching out for help theme from group therapy yesterday.

I called my family again today. My family didn't answer in time or fast enough. It wasn't their fault. Since I was alone with my dependent I didn't feel like going into a tailspin. I had physical symptoms that went with my anxiety/panic attack. Tightness of chest and stomach areas, Lightheadedness, trouble focusing. I felt myself losing a battle. I had to take a .5 Xanax. I didn't want to scar and scare my dependent by having to call 9-1-1.

I finally reach my mom. We talk over the phone by FaceTime. She sees me working on a new project. I'm cutting the legs of of two pairs of jeans. I'm very happy to talk to her about this project. I'll be making jean shorts, and a pouch, as well.

The rest of my family comes home after a while. The dog is greeted in the living room while I am still waiting in the bedroom. Teasing ensues now. My family is home.

The Medic

Today a younger than me family member continued to text me about this being my wake up call. I texted another family member asking to help calm down the first one.

My younger relation was mentioning about

•weight is a factor in cancer cells
•processed foods cause cancer
• relation had gone thru own wake up call with diabetes. Given five years if didnt change lifestyle.


Person went on and on. I tried my best not to read the texts. Eventually I deleted them without reading.

Tonight I ate a parfait from 7-11.

Let Loose the Hounds of Hell

Last night I took .5 Xanax after I got a call from the clinic. The doctor wanted me to come in earlier and talk about my mammogram results. Now the breast clinic, DBC, had already sent me a letter stating I had spots on my mammogram and they wanted to follow it up with a sonogram.

We were at odds yesterday and it carried to today. This morning while taking relative out of home we got into a verbal fight. Told me to go home walking. Guess what I did. I let out curses and was planning to walk to local diner to get away from fight. After dropping relative off relation got in car and caught up to me. Angrily signaling to get in the car. I was pissed. I didn't want to.

We drove arguing for a while. Upon reaching the house we sat in the car and continued to Argue. We each shouted ou our points at each other.

We finally got to the doctor. The gremlins were playing with my records. First they couldn't find my file. Then, when they found it, they couldn't find the results from DBC. I called DBC and left a message for them to call the clinic and re-fax my results.

Finally 30 minutes later I'm finally Seen by the doctor. My case manager and my relation join me in the patient room. The nurse practitioner tells me there us a 1.0 cm dense area in my left outer upper quadrant. They will follow up with a sonogram. I got that letter about the sonogram appt. already.

After the session relation picks up our relative while I have a therapy walk with my case manager. Talking with the case manager helps me to relieve stress. St two I called my relation to pick me up. Both come and get me. We eat lunch at Subway. I had comfort food. Soup, salad and a drink. Meatball sandwich, vegetable beef soup, and lemonade.

My therapist saw me before my appt. and told me expect a call this evening to follow up. My therapist was fully booked. I was reminded, this evening during the phone call, that the staff was there for me.